A Pittsburgh steel worker was driving through northern California's apple country. He stopped at an orchard and asked the owner, "How much are yer apples?"
"All you can pick for one dollar," said the rancher.
"Okay," said the Pennsylvanian. "I'll take two dollars' worth."
Monday, October 10, 2011
Funny jokes-All you can pick
Hilarious jokes-Three hundred years old
There is a guy who arrives to a town in western Spain, he seems like a charlatan and begins to advertise a potion, which supposedly keeps him young despite the fact that he is three hundred years old.
A farmer, having doubts, approaches one of his assistants.
"Hey, is it really true that this guy has lived three hundred years?"
"I don't know, I have only worked with him for two hundred."
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Clean jokes-What brought you here?
A Spanish patient goes to an English doctor.
Doctor: "What is it that's brought you here?"
Patient: "An ambulance. Why?"
Really funny jokes-More American humor
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker -- WOO-EEE!!!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%## Motto? I Got Yer ##$%## Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right to An Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco IS A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep, syrup!
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men...and the sheep are scared!
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Birthday jokes-Maple tree
Did you hear about the maple tree’s birthday?
It was a sappy one!
Knock-Knock Jokes
A quick one that my child tried on me this morning:
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Hey Hey
Hey Hey Who?
Hey Hey, what do you want to do today?Reactions: Labels:clean-jokes,knock-knock-jokes
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Hey Hey
Hey Hey Who?
Hey Hey, what do you want to do today?Reactions: Labels:clean-jokes,knock-knock-jokes
Funny jokes-Running away with Neighbor
Daughter : I am in love with the neighbor, so I am running away with him.
Dad: Thanks , you have saved my money & time.
Daughter: Dad, I am reading the letter left by Mom.
nice joke
September 16, 2011 7:38 AM Posta CommentNewer PostOlder PostHomeRecent postsLoading...Friday, October 7, 2011
Rabbit Jokes
Amazing but true.
Q - What two animals eat their own poop?
A - Come-on nobody does that.
Q - Wrong. Rabbits and guinea pigs.
Here is the serious science behind it:
One line jokes-Slow down
Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.
Valentine's Jokes and Humor
Before we know it Valentine's Day will be here again on February 14. In honor of Valentine's day here are some Valentine jokes and other jokes about relationships, not just for Valentine's Day.
xoxoxoxoxo
xoxoxoxoxo
Really funny jokes-In case of emergency
A Spanish guy enters a hospital to have a minor operation.
A nurse begins to take down his information: name, insurance company, etc.
"In case of emergency, whom should we notify?"
"You mean if I become very sick?"
"Well . . . yes."
"If that happens, call a doctor!"
Thursday, October 6, 2011
More Rosie O'Donnell Jokes
Sheesh just when we thought we got rid of her, she's baaaaaaaaaack. We're all so surprised ... not. Well now after getting her sour PR stunts shoved back by Trump, now Rosie went looking for a softer target - Paula Abdul and American Idol. Now we're not great AI fans, but hey, Rosie gave us fodder for more bad Rosie jokes. More Rosie jokes in our earlier post.
Hey Paula Abdul, what do you think of Rosie's comments?
What did you say?
What did you think of Rosie's blast on you?
I was trying to be polite, she's irrelevant.
But Rosie doesn't like your American Idol show.
Nobody cares, her's is going down fast.
What did Donald Trump think?
She's looking for a softer target.
Is any one surprised Rosie is muck raking again?
Not really. She is promoting ABC to knock down their competition The Apprentice and American Idol.
Updated Now Rosie has a new target: Oprah. Yippeee.
So, Rosie reportedly has made degrading jokes on Paula Abdul, Donald Trump, Oprah, Chinese, American Idol. Who else does Rosie hate? .... YOU. Lol. Yippeeee.
Who does Rosie like? Dunno, maybe Barbara Walters, as long as she reads from the cue cards.Reactions: Labels:American-Idol-Jokes,Paula-Abdul-Jokes,political-jokes,Rosie-Jokes,Rosie-ODonnell-Jokes,Rosie-Paula-Abdul-Jokes,Trump-Rosie-Jokes
Hey Paula Abdul, what do you think of Rosie's comments?
What did you say?
What did you think of Rosie's blast on you?
I was trying to be polite, she's irrelevant.
But Rosie doesn't like your American Idol show.
Nobody cares, her's is going down fast.
What did Donald Trump think?
She's looking for a softer target.
Is any one surprised Rosie is muck raking again?
Not really. She is promoting ABC to knock down their competition The Apprentice and American Idol.
Updated Now Rosie has a new target: Oprah. Yippeee.
So, Rosie reportedly has made degrading jokes on Paula Abdul, Donald Trump, Oprah, Chinese, American Idol. Who else does Rosie hate? .... YOU. Lol. Yippeeee.
Who does Rosie like? Dunno, maybe Barbara Walters, as long as she reads from the cue cards.Reactions: Labels:American-Idol-Jokes,Paula-Abdul-Jokes,political-jokes,Rosie-Jokes,Rosie-ODonnell-Jokes,Rosie-Paula-Abdul-Jokes,Trump-Rosie-Jokes
Hilarious jokes-Two bankers
Two bankers are in a bank when armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the bankers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their jewelry, wallets and watches.
While this is going on banker number one puts something in banker number two's hand. Without looking down, banker number two whispers, 'What is this?' to which banker number one replies, 'It's that $50 I owe you.'
Retirement Jokes
Here the Senility Prayer: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference
Funny jokes-Blue elephants
Alonzo visits Doctor Pedro.
Alonzo: "Doctor, doctor, I see blue elephants everywhere."
Pedro: "Have you seen a psychologist yet?"
Alonzo: "No, just blue elephants."
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Funny Cat Videos
Funny Pet Videos: Cats
This is part of our series on funny videos. Here are some . We have searched for videos of bizarre cats in some funny situations and here are two of the best and cutest we found.
Funny Cats video:
Funny cat food ad video featuring a bungee jumping mouse:
Economy jokes-Harvest crunch
The Allied Irish Bank has issued a credit warning about Kellogg's, they are worried about the Harvest Crunch.
Labels:One line jokes,Short funny jokes,short humor jokes0 Comments: Posta CommentNewer PostOlder PostHomeRecent postsLoading...Funny Dog Videos
Funny Pet Videos: Dogs
What funny pet videos series would be complete without a few . Here are a few we found. We have searched for videos of cute or hilarious dogs in some funny situations and here are three of the best and we found. If you have a funny or cute dog video, you can leave it in the comments and we'll consider it for the next post.
Funny and cute dog compilation video:
Funny animated Dog and funny Hippo sing Lion Sleeps Tonight:
Funny Dog video of retriever eating a milk bone off nose:
Good jokes-In the ditch
98% of Americans say "OH S$!&" before going in the ditch on a slippery road.
The other 2% are from Buffalo or Rochester, NY and they say, "Hold my beer and WATCH THIS!"
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Bank Jokes
Why are banks like trees?
They have lots of branches.
$$$$$$$$$$
Dumb Bank, Smart Blond joke:
A blond walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan Officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to $350,000 Bentley. After verifying ownership of the car, the bank gives her the $5,000 loan.
The bankers enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $350,000 Bentley as collateral against a $5,000 loan, and one of the banker s then proceeds to drive the Bentley into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Three weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $19.50. The banker says,
We are very happy to have your business, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a billionaire. So why did you bother to lose your Bentley for three weeks and to borrow $5,000?
The blonde replies, Where else in New York City can I park my car for three weeks for only $19.50 and expect it to be there when I return?
$$$$$$$$$$
A frog walks into a bank for a loan, joke video:
$$$$$$$$$$
Mortgage banker joke video - Banker gets Punk'd
$$$$$$$$$$
Dutch version of the car parking bank loan joke:
More banking jokes and News and information behind the jokes at Humor-and-Jokes.com.
Office Jokes index at Humor-and-Jokes.com.
They have lots of branches.
$$$$$$$$$$
Dumb Bank, Smart Blond joke:
A blond walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan Officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to $350,000 Bentley. After verifying ownership of the car, the bank gives her the $5,000 loan.
The bankers enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $350,000 Bentley as collateral against a $5,000 loan, and one of the banker s then proceeds to drive the Bentley into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Three weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $19.50. The banker says,
We are very happy to have your business, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a billionaire. So why did you bother to lose your Bentley for three weeks and to borrow $5,000?
The blonde replies, Where else in New York City can I park my car for three weeks for only $19.50 and expect it to be there when I return?
$$$$$$$$$$
A frog walks into a bank for a loan, joke video:
$$$$$$$$$$
Mortgage banker joke video - Banker gets Punk'd
$$$$$$$$$$
Dutch version of the car parking bank loan joke:
More banking jokes and News and information behind the jokes at Humor-and-Jokes.com.
Office Jokes index at Humor-and-Jokes.com.
Really funny jokes-You Know You're from New Mexico When
You Know You're from New Mexico When
Your favorite breakfast meat is sliced fried bologna.
You are still using the paper license tag that came with your car five years ago.
Your favorite restaurant has a chili list instead of a wine list.
You do all your shopping and banking at a drive-up window.
Your Christmas decorations include a yard of sand and 200 paper bags.
You have license plates on your walls, but not on your car.
You hated Texans until the Californians moved in.
You have an extra freezer just for green chili.
You think a yellow light means to go faster and a red light is merely a suggestion.
You don't make eye contact with other drivers because you can't tell how well armed they are just by looking.
You think six tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful front lawn.
You pass on the right because that's the fast-lane.
You have read a book while driving from Albuquerque to Las Vegas.
There is a piece of a UFO displayed in your home.
All your out-of-state friends and relatives visit in October.
You don't see anything wrong with drive-up window liquor sales.
Your other vehicle is also a pick-up truck.
You have driven to an Indian Casino at 3 AM because you were hungry.
Tumbleweeds and various cactus in your yard are not weeds. They are your lawn.
If you travel anywhere, no matter if just to run to the gas station, you must bring along a bottle of water and some moisturizer.
Bunny Rabbit Videos
Funny Pet Videos: Bunny RabbitsFunny Bunny Videos / Funny Pet Rabbit Videos
Continuing with our series of funny pet videos, here are a few funny we found. Undoubtedly bunnies are full of cute, but mixing in some dry humor and you have ... well ... more cute. We have searched for videos of cute or hilarious rabbits in some funny situations and here are some of the best and funny we found. If you have a funny or cute bunny rabbit video, you can leave it in the comments and we'll consider it for the next funny pet videos post.
Q - What do you call 10 rabbits marching backwards?
A - A receding hareline.
Q - What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
A - It's been nice gnawing you.
Q - What party games do rabbits like?
A - Musical Hares.
A bunny letter opener. This rabbit is ready for an office job opening:
Here is a cute funny bunny cleaning house:
Cute reigns supreme as these three funny rabbits go after Honey Bunches of Oats hungry hippo style:
Oh, and of course here is a funny bunny, playmate not Pet, not rabbit, Julie McCullough and drooler ;) on a Star Media video interview. A comedy video made especially for a YouTube, and embedded here. It's all about following your dreams like the funny bunny not rabbit:
Short funny jokes-Baby girls and boys
Why do we dress baby girls in pink and baby boys in blue?
Because they can't dress themselves.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Funny Bunny
Funny Pets: Funny Bunnies Picture / Funny Rabbit Pet Pictures
I have no idea what you are talking about, ... so here's a bunny with a pancake on its head.
I have no idea what you are talking about, ... so here's a bunny with a pancake on its head.
Hilarious jokes-Parrot in plane
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!"
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot".
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"
Easter Jokes
In the spirit of the Easter holiday season, here are a few honoring the Easter bunny and Easter Eggs, and the holiday...
News and stories behind the humor in the page at Humor-and-Jokes.com
Q - How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
A - Hareobics!
Q - Why did the Easter bunny cross the road?
A - To prove she wasn't chicken!
Q - Why did the Easter bunny cross the road?
A - It was the chicken's day off.
Q - Why does the Easter bunny have a shiny nose?
A - His powder puff is on the wrong end.
Q - How can you find the Easter bunny?
A - Eggs (x) marks the spot.
Q - Why did the Easter egg hide behind the bush?
A - He was a little chicken.
Q - What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?
A - It's been nice gnawing you.
Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Some bunny.
Some bunny who?
Some bunny is eating my Easter candy!
Q - What did the man say when he saw 10 Easter bunnies hopping down a hill?
A - There go 10 Easter bunnies hopping down the hill...
Q - And, then what did the man say when he saw 10 Easter bunnies hopping down a hill wearing sunglasses?
A - Nothing...He didn't recognize them.
Q - How does the Easter bunny paint all the Easter eggs?
A - She hires santa's elves during off-season.
Chocolate Easter Bunnies:
News and stories behind the humor in the page at Humor-and-Jokes.com
Q - How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
A - Hareobics!
Q - Why did the Easter bunny cross the road?
A - To prove she wasn't chicken!
Q - Why did the Easter bunny cross the road?
A - It was the chicken's day off.
Q - Why does the Easter bunny have a shiny nose?
A - His powder puff is on the wrong end.
Q - How can you find the Easter bunny?
A - Eggs (x) marks the spot.
Q - Why did the Easter egg hide behind the bush?
A - He was a little chicken.
Q - What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?
A - It's been nice gnawing you.
Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Some bunny.
Some bunny who?
Some bunny is eating my Easter candy!
Q - What did the man say when he saw 10 Easter bunnies hopping down a hill?
A - There go 10 Easter bunnies hopping down the hill...
Q - And, then what did the man say when he saw 10 Easter bunnies hopping down a hill wearing sunglasses?
A - Nothing...He didn't recognize them.
Q - How does the Easter bunny paint all the Easter eggs?
A - She hires santa's elves during off-season.
Chocolate Easter Bunnies:
Sunday, October 2, 2011
One line jokes-Drink and drive
Why do you need a driver's licence to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Labels:One line jokes,Short funny jokes,SMS jokes0 Comments: Posta CommentNewer PostOlder PostHomeRecent postsLoading...Basketball Jokes
Q: Why are basketball players messy eaters?
A: They're always dribbling.
Q: What's the difference between a basketball player and a dog?
A: One drools, the other dribbles.
Q: What did Bobby Knight say about coaching the 1980 U.S. Olympics basketball team against the team from China?
A: "It was a lot of fun playing the Chinese, but an hour later, we wanted to play them again."
Q: Why was Cinderella thrown off the team?
A: She ran away from the ball.
Q: What do you do when you see an elephant with a basketball?
A: You get out of the way fast.
Q: Why did the coach let the elephant play basketball?
A: He already broke the bench.
Q. Why did Ron Artest leave the game early?
A. He wanted to beat the crowd.
Q: How did the basketball court get wet?
A: The players dribbled all over it.
We're shooting 100 percent - 60 percent from the field and 40 percent from the free-throw line.
Q: If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does an astronaut get?
A: Missile toe!
Q: Why can't you play sports in the jungle?
A: Because of the cheetahs.
There was a Knicks fan with nosebleed seat in Madison Square Garden. Looking around, he spotted an empty seat court side. So, he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it,
"Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big basketball fan."
"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
"They're all at the funeral."
A: They're always dribbling.
Q: What's the difference between a basketball player and a dog?
A: One drools, the other dribbles.
Q: What did Bobby Knight say about coaching the 1980 U.S. Olympics basketball team against the team from China?
A: "It was a lot of fun playing the Chinese, but an hour later, we wanted to play them again."
Q: Why was Cinderella thrown off the team?
A: She ran away from the ball.
Q: What do you do when you see an elephant with a basketball?
A: You get out of the way fast.
Q: Why did the coach let the elephant play basketball?
A: He already broke the bench.
Q. Why did Ron Artest leave the game early?
A. He wanted to beat the crowd.
Q: How did the basketball court get wet?
A: The players dribbled all over it.
We're shooting 100 percent - 60 percent from the field and 40 percent from the free-throw line.
Q: If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does an astronaut get?
A: Missile toe!
Q: Why can't you play sports in the jungle?
A: Because of the cheetahs.
There was a Knicks fan with nosebleed seat in Madison Square Garden. Looking around, he spotted an empty seat court side. So, he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it,
"Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big basketball fan."
"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
"They're all at the funeral."
Funny jokes-School lunch
School lunches are not generally popular with those that have to eat them, and sometimes with good reason.
"What kind of pie do you call this ?" asked one schoolboy indignantly.
"What's it taste of ?" asked the cook.
"Glue!" "Then it's apple pie, the plum pie tastes of soap."
Real Estate Jokes
Q: What is a maintenance-free house....
A: There hasn't been any maintenance in the last 10 years.
The home buyer thinking of the real estate agent: I didn't think anybody could have that many teeth without being a shark.
Q: When is a one-story house a two-story house?
A: You get one story before you buy and the second story after.
This house is 5 minutes from shopping ... if you have an airplane.
News and stories behind the humor in the page at Humor-and-Jokes.com
The home buyer told the real estate agent that he lived in the same big house for the last 10 years. When the real estate agent checked his credit, she found out he still would be there today without the pardon from the Governor.
Q: How close was the house for sale to water?
A: In the basement.
By the time you pay off a house in the suburbs, it isn't.
Q: What is a house-warming party?
A: The final call for those who haven't sent a wedding present.
Your home feels like a castle... when you pay the taxes.
Q: How long is a temporary mortgage?
A: Until the bank forecloses.
Charity is a thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
Here is an odd Real Estate listing: This house has a great location, but just one problem... The oven is self-cleaning, but the kids weren't.
Q: Why do you want front door leading right into the dining room instead of the foyer?
A: So my in-laws won't have to waste any time.
Realtor to First Time Homebuyer: First let's have a frank discussion about what you can afford ... then we'll all laugh hysterically and go on from there.
If you think no one cares you're alive, miss a couple of house payments.
A large real estate lender called FIRST National Bank took out a billboard, giving the wrong message, "Loans make life easier, at FIRST."
What destroys people and leaves buildings intact, that isn't a neutron bomb. It's called a mortgage.
Q: Why was the 10,000 sq. ft. mansion listed for only $1000? It had a swimming pool, guest house and no discernible structural problems.
A: The seller was getting divorced and all her husband asked for was the proceeds from the sale.
Q: How do you become a homeowner?
A: Take out a first and second mortgage.
A: There hasn't been any maintenance in the last 10 years.
The home buyer thinking of the real estate agent: I didn't think anybody could have that many teeth without being a shark.
Q: When is a one-story house a two-story house?
A: You get one story before you buy and the second story after.
This house is 5 minutes from shopping ... if you have an airplane.
News and stories behind the humor in the page at Humor-and-Jokes.com
The home buyer told the real estate agent that he lived in the same big house for the last 10 years. When the real estate agent checked his credit, she found out he still would be there today without the pardon from the Governor.
Q: How close was the house for sale to water?
A: In the basement.
By the time you pay off a house in the suburbs, it isn't.
Q: What is a house-warming party?
A: The final call for those who haven't sent a wedding present.
Your home feels like a castle... when you pay the taxes.
Q: How long is a temporary mortgage?
A: Until the bank forecloses.
Charity is a thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
Here is an odd Real Estate listing: This house has a great location, but just one problem... The oven is self-cleaning, but the kids weren't.
Q: Why do you want front door leading right into the dining room instead of the foyer?
A: So my in-laws won't have to waste any time.
Realtor to First Time Homebuyer: First let's have a frank discussion about what you can afford ... then we'll all laugh hysterically and go on from there.
If you think no one cares you're alive, miss a couple of house payments.
A large real estate lender called FIRST National Bank took out a billboard, giving the wrong message, "Loans make life easier, at FIRST."
What destroys people and leaves buildings intact, that isn't a neutron bomb. It's called a mortgage.
Q: Why was the 10,000 sq. ft. mansion listed for only $1000? It had a swimming pool, guest house and no discernible structural problems.
A: The seller was getting divorced and all her husband asked for was the proceeds from the sale.
Q: How do you become a homeowner?
A: Take out a first and second mortgage.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Good jokes-Pharaohs
What did the Pharaohs use to keep their babies quiet?
Egyptian dummies.
Golf Jokes
Q: Why did the golfer wear 2 pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
The problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
Q: How is golf like taxes?
A: You drive hard to get to the green, and then you wind up in the hole.
$$$
Three seniors were out golfing. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one said.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them" said the second senior.
After hearing enough from his buddies, the third senior said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"
$$$
Carl goes out golfing with his boss Lyle to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellently and at a fast pace, they are often held up by two women in front of them chatting and searching for hook shots execissively. Joe goes to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. But once he gets about half the way to them, he stops and hurries back to where his boss Lyle is waiting.
Lyle asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," said Carl. Lyle just shook his head and with his impatience growing started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.
Carl asked "what's wrong?" Lyle replied, "It's a small, small world Carl, and you're fired."
A: In case he got a hole in one.
The problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
Q: How is golf like taxes?
A: You drive hard to get to the green, and then you wind up in the hole.
$$$
Three seniors were out golfing. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one said.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them" said the second senior.
After hearing enough from his buddies, the third senior said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"
$$$
Carl goes out golfing with his boss Lyle to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellently and at a fast pace, they are often held up by two women in front of them chatting and searching for hook shots execissively. Joe goes to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. But once he gets about half the way to them, he stops and hurries back to where his boss Lyle is waiting.
Lyle asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," said Carl. Lyle just shook his head and with his impatience growing started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.
Carl asked "what's wrong?" Lyle replied, "It's a small, small world Carl, and you're fired."
Really funny jokes-Blonde stewardess
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Birthday Jokes
On your birthday every year, you get one year older. For some they stop at 29, others at 21. Here are some and humor to lighten up the special day.
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
Their birthdays all fall on holidays.
Q - What type of cake is used for birthday cake in heaven?
A - Angel food cake.
Q - Did you hear about the maple tree's birthday?
A - It was a sappy one!
News and stories behind the humor in the page at Humor-and-Jokes.com
You know you're growing old when by the time you've lit the last candle on the birthday cake, the first one has burned out.
Q - When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
A - They both get sliced.
Q - What do you give a nine-hundred-pound gorilla for her birthday?
A - I don't know, but you better hope she likes it!
You know that you are getting old when you remember when the fire department comes to your birthday party in case the candles on the birthday cake get out of hand.
When I was a child my family were so poor that the only thing I got on my birthday was a year older.
Q - What did the birthday balloon say to the pin?
A - "Hi, Buster."
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing.
I told my computer that today is my birthday,
and it said that I needed an upgrade.
Q - Why do you put the candles on top the birthday cake?
A - It's too hard to put the candles on the bottom.
Q - What birthday party games do rabbits like to play?
A - Musical Hares.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Here is a cute and funny humor birthday video from Grey Advertising via YouTube:
Mark Twain on his 70th birthday:
It's a long stretch between that first birthday speech and this one. That was my cradle-song, and this is my swan-song, I suppose. I am used to swan-songs; I have sung them several times.
Remember, growing old is inevitable, but growing up is optional!
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
Their birthdays all fall on holidays.
Q - What type of cake is used for birthday cake in heaven?
A - Angel food cake.
Q - Did you hear about the maple tree's birthday?
A - It was a sappy one!
News and stories behind the humor in the page at Humor-and-Jokes.com
You know you're growing old when by the time you've lit the last candle on the birthday cake, the first one has burned out.
Q - When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
A - They both get sliced.
Q - What do you give a nine-hundred-pound gorilla for her birthday?
A - I don't know, but you better hope she likes it!
You know that you are getting old when you remember when the fire department comes to your birthday party in case the candles on the birthday cake get out of hand.
When I was a child my family were so poor that the only thing I got on my birthday was a year older.
Q - What did the birthday balloon say to the pin?
A - "Hi, Buster."
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing.
I told my computer that today is my birthday,
and it said that I needed an upgrade.
Q - Why do you put the candles on top the birthday cake?
A - It's too hard to put the candles on the bottom.
Q - What birthday party games do rabbits like to play?
A - Musical Hares.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Here is a cute and funny humor birthday video from Grey Advertising via YouTube:
Mark Twain on his 70th birthday:
It's a long stretch between that first birthday speech and this one. That was my cradle-song, and this is my swan-song, I suppose. I am used to swan-songs; I have sung them several times.
Remember, growing old is inevitable, but growing up is optional!
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