Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker -- WOO-EEE!!!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%## Motto? I Got Yer ##$%## Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right to An Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco IS A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep, syrup!
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men...and the sheep are scared!
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Really funny jokes-More American humor
Friday, October 7, 2011
Really funny jokes-In case of emergency
A Spanish guy enters a hospital to have a minor operation.
A nurse begins to take down his information: name, insurance company, etc.
"In case of emergency, whom should we notify?"
"You mean if I become very sick?"
"Well . . . yes."
"If that happens, call a doctor!"
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Really funny jokes-You Know You're from New Mexico When
You Know You're from New Mexico When
Your favorite breakfast meat is sliced fried bologna.
You are still using the paper license tag that came with your car five years ago.
Your favorite restaurant has a chili list instead of a wine list.
You do all your shopping and banking at a drive-up window.
Your Christmas decorations include a yard of sand and 200 paper bags.
You have license plates on your walls, but not on your car.
You hated Texans until the Californians moved in.
You have an extra freezer just for green chili.
You think a yellow light means to go faster and a red light is merely a suggestion.
You don't make eye contact with other drivers because you can't tell how well armed they are just by looking.
You think six tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful front lawn.
You pass on the right because that's the fast-lane.
You have read a book while driving from Albuquerque to Las Vegas.
There is a piece of a UFO displayed in your home.
All your out-of-state friends and relatives visit in October.
You don't see anything wrong with drive-up window liquor sales.
Your other vehicle is also a pick-up truck.
You have driven to an Indian Casino at 3 AM because you were hungry.
Tumbleweeds and various cactus in your yard are not weeds. They are your lawn.
If you travel anywhere, no matter if just to run to the gas station, you must bring along a bottle of water and some moisturizer.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Really funny jokes-Blonde stewardess
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Really funny jokes-Meteor Crater
As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."
From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Really funny jokes-I am rich
O.M.G., I'm rich!
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Crystals in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood
Lead in the Arse
Iron in the Arteries
And
An inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.
I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth, now I can buy that gold-plated yacht and the Bentley.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Really funny jokes-Racehorse doping
Racehorse doping is not unknown in Ireland.
One day, the Clerk of the Course spotted a trainer giving something to a horse just before the start of a race.
He went over and said, "Doping?"
The trainer said, "Indeed not, Sor.
'Tis just lump sugar. Look, I'll take a bit meself.. see?"
The Clerk of the Course said,
"Sorry, but we have to be careful. As a matter of fact, I like a bit of sugar meself."
So the trainer gave him a piece.
When the Clerk of the Course disappeared, the trainer gave his jockey his last minute instructions,
"Don't forget the drill.
Hold him in 'til the last four furlongs.
Don't worry if anything passes ye, it'll be me or the Clerk of the Course!"
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Really funny jokes-Thousands at home
A Cuban, a Scot, a Spaniard, and an Irishman are sharing a carriage on a train to Belfast.
The Cuban lights up this enormous Cuban cigar, takes one short drag from it and flings the cigar out the window.
The other three look at him in amazement and ask why he just threw out a full Cuban cigar.
He says, "I'm from Cuba, we have thousands of those things back home."
The Scot pulls out a litre bottle of Bells Whiskey, a 50 year-old bottle, takes a short measure glass, half fills it, knocks it back and flings the remainder of the bottle out the window.
The other three are in shock, ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of fine malt Scottish whiskey??!!
He replies, "I'm Scottish, we have thousands of those things at home."
The Spaniard pulls out a flagon of red wine, a 100 year-old classic. He takes a couple of sips, licks his lips, and flings the remainder of the wine out the window.
The other three ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of classic wine, he replies, "I'm Spanish, I have thousands of those things back home."
The Irish then grabs the Spaniard and throws him out of the window.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Really funny jokes-Buffalo come
A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"
And the Indian replies, "Ear sticky".
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Really funny jokes-You know you are living in 2011
You know you are living in 2011 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the shopping.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go home and get it !!
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your tea or coffee
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message to.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list !!
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Really funny jokes-American soldier
A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit.
As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats.
A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog.
The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.
"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog?
Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"
The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "Oh! You Americans. You are so rude. Fluffy is in that seat, and I see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."
The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out.
The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.
"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... You eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong b
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Really funny jokes-Degree of Urgency
Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manyana'.
Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.
He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?"
The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish.
"No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency," replied Brennan.