What's an actuary?
An accountant without the sense of humor.
Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
They find bookkeeping too exciting.
What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
Invite an accountant.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Accountant jokes
More Retirement Jokes
Continuing with our Retirement Jokes and humor series, here are a few or senior jokes. Click on the "labels" links at the end to find ...
It's not the age but the mileAGE that counts.
You know that you are getting old when you remember when you had to get up to change the channel on the black and white TV.
You know that you are getting old when you remember Coke came in a glass bottle.
You know that you are getting old when you remember when you wore your good clothes to travel by air.
You know that you are getting old when you remember when most of your sentences begin with, "When I was your age..."
You know that you are getting old when you often repeat things...You often repeat things... You often repeat things...
You know that you are getting old when you remember when getting a new bicycle meant you were rich.
It's not the age but the mileAGE that counts.
You know that you are getting old when you remember when you had to get up to change the channel on the black and white TV.
You know that you are getting old when you remember Coke came in a glass bottle.
You know that you are getting old when you remember when you wore your good clothes to travel by air.
You know that you are getting old when you remember when most of your sentences begin with, "When I was your age..."
You know that you are getting old when you often repeat things...You often repeat things... You often repeat things...
You know that you are getting old when you remember when getting a new bicycle meant you were rich.
Funny jokes-All you can pick
A Pittsburgh steel worker was driving through northern California's apple country. He stopped at an orchard and asked the owner, "How much are yer apples?"
"All you can pick for one dollar," said the rancher.
"Okay," said the Pennsylvanian. "I'll take two dollars' worth."
Doctor Jokes
Here are some and humor to lighten up the next visit to the Doctor's office or the hospital. Some dentist jokes, pharmacist jokes and psychology / psychiatrist jokes too. First some short , followed by a few longer ones.
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a turnip in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
From the pharmacist: Take one of these pills every four hours. Or as often as you can get the cap off.
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $500.00.
Patient: $500.00 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like. What do you call a depressed dentist?
A little down in the mouth.
Doctor calls her patient: I have some bad news and some very very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have no more than 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible!! What could be worse than that? So, what's the very bad news?
Doctor: I have been trying to reach you since yesterday.
An oldie:
Doctor will I be able to play the violin after the operation?
Yes, of course...
Great ... I never could before...
Jake was going in for eye surgery and says to the opthamalogist, I’m very worried about the this operation, doc. What are the chances? The eye-doctor replies, Don’t worry, you won’t be able to see the difference.
Doctor: "I've got very bad news for you - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"
After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asks, "are these time release pills?" The pharmacist replies, "Yes. They begin to work after your check clears."
Doctor, you've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!
Two psychiatrists pass in the hall. The first psychiatrist says, "How you doing?" The other thinks, "I wonder what he really meant by that."
Patient: Doctor, I think I just swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.
Carlson: My wife beats me, doctor
Doctor: That's awful. How often?
Carlson: Every time we play golf!
Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you?
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a turnip in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
From the pharmacist: Take one of these pills every four hours. Or as often as you can get the cap off.
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $500.00.
Patient: $500.00 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like. What do you call a depressed dentist?
A little down in the mouth.
Doctor calls her patient: I have some bad news and some very very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have no more than 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible!! What could be worse than that? So, what's the very bad news?
Doctor: I have been trying to reach you since yesterday.
An oldie:
Doctor will I be able to play the violin after the operation?
Yes, of course...
Great ... I never could before...
Jake was going in for eye surgery and says to the opthamalogist, I’m very worried about the this operation, doc. What are the chances? The eye-doctor replies, Don’t worry, you won’t be able to see the difference.
Doctor: "I've got very bad news for you - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"
After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asks, "are these time release pills?" The pharmacist replies, "Yes. They begin to work after your check clears."
Doctor, you've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!
Two psychiatrists pass in the hall. The first psychiatrist says, "How you doing?" The other thinks, "I wonder what he really meant by that."
Patient: Doctor, I think I just swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.
Carlson: My wife beats me, doctor
Doctor: That's awful. How often?
Carlson: Every time we play golf!
Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you?
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Really funny jokes-Meteor Crater
As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."
From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"
Banana Jokes
After hearing a banana joke last week, I decided to post a few ...
Q: Why was Anna not allowed to visit the King in his jungle kingdom?
A: He had his guards ban-anna from the castle.
Q: Why did the banana go to the doctor's office?
A: She wasn't peeling well.
Knock knock
Who's There?
Banana
Banana Who?
When you are in a restaurant, always be polite, even if a banana is sitting next to you.
Q: Why was Anna not allowed to visit the King in his jungle kingdom?
A: He had his guards ban-anna from the castle.
Q: Why did the banana go to the doctor's office?
A: She wasn't peeling well.
Knock knock
Who's There?
Banana
Banana Who?
When you are in a restaurant, always be polite, even if a banana is sitting next to you.
Accountant jokes-Shy and retiring
What's a shy and retiring accountant?
An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.
R
Halloween Jokes
! - The ghost, the witch and the watchmaker.
What's scary about a watchmaker? Nothing ... dah dumm ... dumm ... dumm
The air is getting chillier, the pumpkins are appearing, Halloween ghosts and goblins are coming out from hiding in the garage … and I’m collecting from the short jokes to the stupid jokes to the great . In honor of the boooooooootiful season, here are some and Halloween humor, and if you have a joke to add, send it to me or put it in the comments and I’ll add it to the list!
Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A: Bamboo.
Q: How do you mend a broken Halloween Jack-o-lantern?
A: With a pumpkin patch.
What's scary about a watchmaker? Nothing ... dah dumm ... dumm ... dumm
The air is getting chillier, the pumpkins are appearing, Halloween ghosts and goblins are coming out from hiding in the garage … and I’m collecting from the short jokes to the stupid jokes to the great . In honor of the boooooooootiful season, here are some and Halloween humor, and if you have a joke to add, send it to me or put it in the comments and I’ll add it to the list!
Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A: Bamboo.
Q: How do you mend a broken Halloween Jack-o-lantern?
A: With a pumpkin patch.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Funny jokes-Unbelievable
The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once a woman began screaming. "You've got to help me! There's a giant gray thing in my yard, and it's pulling apples off the tree with its tail!"
"What's he doing with the apples?" the sergeant asked. "If I told you," the woman cried, "you wouldn't believe me!"
Hillary Clinton Jokes
Hillary Jokes
- Read from Right to Left
not
- Read from Right to Left
not
Following on the equal humor tradition of the Just Jokes and Humor blog we’ve had Obama Jokes, and now for some Hillary Jokes … that’s for the uninitiated! The first question is obvious … Hillary Jokes? What in the world are Hillary jokes? After all, Hillary Clinton is said to have had her funny bone removed. Ta dum. Not exactly a political jokes or political humor magnate. Uh oh, she’s taking names now!
Short funny jokes-Change the baby
Mother: Why is there a strange baby in the crib?
Daughter: You told me to change the baby.
Obama Jokes
Q: What is greatest irony of Election 2008?
A: Find out below ...
At the Just Jokes and Humor blog we subscribe to equal humor for political jokes. We've had Republican jokes ... now for some Democrat jokes. Don't worry, the political humor pendulum will swing back Republican for sure, and Democrat too.
Bust a move
Ok, laying aside politics ... we love Barack Obama, the Senator from Illinois, and President-elect of the United States. Such a nice ... uh fill in a random sophomoric awkward comment (err joke?) from Senator Joseph Biden here. Yes, that Senator Joseph Biden - called by some the gift that keeps on giving and the originator of the classic Obama joke, now is the Vice-President, making Barack's selection of him the greatest irony of election '08.
A: Find out below ...
At the Just Jokes and Humor blog we subscribe to equal humor for political jokes. We've had Republican jokes ... now for some Democrat jokes. Don't worry, the political humor pendulum will swing back Republican for sure, and Democrat too.
Bust a move
Ok, laying aside politics ... we love Barack Obama, the Senator from Illinois, and President-elect of the United States. Such a nice ... uh fill in a random sophomoric awkward comment (err joke?) from Senator Joseph Biden here. Yes, that Senator Joseph Biden - called by some the gift that keeps on giving and the originator of the classic Obama joke, now is the Vice-President, making Barack's selection of him the greatest irony of election '08.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Hilarious jokes-Three hundred years old
There is a guy who arrives to a town in western Spain, he seems like a charlatan and begins to advertise a potion, which supposedly keeps him young despite the fact that he is three hundred years old.
A farmer, having doubts, approaches one of his assistants.
"Hey, is it really true that this guy has lived three hundred years?"
"I don't know, I have only worked with him for two hundred."
Thanksgiving Jokes
Turkeys Allowed!
Turkey warning ... Turkey jokes ahead in the annual of the Just Jokes and Humor blog. We love Thanksgiving ... good food, turkey, stuffing and now a little spice to liven up the feast. If you have anymore or turkey jokes to add, send them to us or add to the comments.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.
The Thanksgiving turkey went to the psychiatrist, and said, Doc I need help, I can't stop acting like a turkey...
"I see," said the shrink. "How long have you had this problem?"
"Uh since my mommy laid an egg in 2007!"
Christmas Jokes
Snow is falling (rain in California!), children are playing, bells are ringing ... and I'm collecting entertaining and Hanukkah Jokes from stupid to great, so if you have one to add send it to me, or put it in the comments and I'll add it to the list!
Without further discussion let's start with the ...'Tis the season...
Q-How long should a reindeer's legs be?
A-Just long enough to reach the ground.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Santa it's cold.
Santa it's cold who?
Santa said it's cold, can we take the sleigh out tomorrow instead?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Santa it's freezing.
Santa it's freezing who?
Santa, Rudolph wanated to tes tthe flagpole and it's freezing.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Mary.
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
What happens if you eat x-mas decorations?
You get tinsel-itis!
Did you hear about Hanibal Lechter's Christmas party?
It's a scream!
Keep that reindeer out of the house, it's full of fleas...
He Rudolph?
What?
You better stay out of the house .......... it's full of fleas.
And not a joke but from a friend, a holiday boutique at Christmas Ornaments .coReactions: Labels:Christmas-Humor,Christmas-jokes,clean-christmas-jokes,clean-jokes,holiday-jokes,knock-knock-jokes,Reindeer-Jokes,Rudolph,Santa-Jokes
Without further discussion let's start with the ...'Tis the season...
Q-How long should a reindeer's legs be?
A-Just long enough to reach the ground.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Santa it's cold.
Santa it's cold who?
Santa said it's cold, can we take the sleigh out tomorrow instead?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Santa it's freezing.
Santa it's freezing who?
Santa, Rudolph wanated to tes tthe flagpole and it's freezing.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Mary.
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
What happens if you eat x-mas decorations?
You get tinsel-itis!
Did you hear about Hanibal Lechter's Christmas party?
It's a scream!
Keep that reindeer out of the house, it's full of fleas...
He Rudolph?
What?
You better stay out of the house .......... it's full of fleas.
And not a joke but from a friend, a holiday boutique at Christmas Ornaments .coReactions: Labels:Christmas-Humor,Christmas-jokes,clean-christmas-jokes,clean-jokes,holiday-jokes,knock-knock-jokes,Reindeer-Jokes,Rudolph,Santa-Jokes
Monday, September 26, 2011
Y2k Jokes
Turn the clock back and let's party like it's 1999. An old Y2K Joke:
Dear Boss: Mi hope I haven’t misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, that Y to K dates problem doesn't make any sense at all to me.
Well by now I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.
In addition to that, I've changed the days of the week, so now they are ready for the year 2000 and will be: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.
Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?Reactions: Labels:Computer Jokes
Dear Boss: Mi hope I haven’t misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, that Y to K dates problem doesn't make any sense at all to me.
Well by now I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.
In addition to that, I've changed the days of the week, so now they are ready for the year 2000 and will be: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.
Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?Reactions: Labels:Computer Jokes
Halloween Jokes II
Halloween Jokes II
Thinking of the season, here's some more Halloween Jokes. Before we know it, Halloween will be around the corner, it is time for the annual Just Jokes and Humor Blog Halloween Jokes and humor update. You can find more Halloween Jokes by following the link. Here are some pumpkin jokes, ghost jokes, ghoul jokes, witch jokes, skeleton jokes and Dracula jokes to lighten up the season...
What do birds sing on Halloween?
Twick or Tweet.
Why were there no leftovers after the monster party?
Because everyone was goblin!
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centers.
What is the first thing ghosts do when they get in the car?
Boo-kle their sheet belts.
What did the ghost buy for his haunted house?
Home moaner's insurance.
What was the favorite game at the ghost's birthday party?
Hide and shriek!
What do ghosts serve for desert?
Ice Scream
What was the witch's favorite subject in school?
Spell-ing.
Why do witches fly on brooms?
Vacuum cleaner cords are not long enough.
How does a witch tell the time?
She looks at her witch watch.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts.
Why don't skeletons like parties?
They have no body to dance with.
What do skeletons say before they begin eating?
Bone appetite!
What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
Count Duckula
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
Why do mummies make good workers?
They get wrapped up in their work.
What do you call a skeleton who will not do any work?
Lazy bones.Reactions: Labels:Halloween-Jokes,Witch-Jokes
What do birds sing on Halloween?
Twick or Tweet.
Why were there no leftovers after the monster party?
Because everyone was goblin!
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centers.
What is the first thing ghosts do when they get in the car?
Boo-kle their sheet belts.
What did the ghost buy for his haunted house?
Home moaner's insurance.
What was the favorite game at the ghost's birthday party?
Hide and shriek!
What do ghosts serve for desert?
Ice Scream
What was the witch's favorite subject in school?
Spell-ing.
Why do witches fly on brooms?
Vacuum cleaner cords are not long enough.
How does a witch tell the time?
She looks at her witch watch.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts.
Why don't skeletons like parties?
They have no body to dance with.
What do skeletons say before they begin eating?
Bone appetite!
What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
Count Duckula
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
Why do mummies make good workers?
They get wrapped up in their work.
What do you call a skeleton who will not do any work?
Lazy bones.Reactions: Labels:Halloween-Jokes,Witch-Jokes
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Really funny jokes-I am rich
O.M.G., I'm rich!
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Crystals in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood
Lead in the Arse
Iron in the Arteries
And
An inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.
I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth, now I can buy that gold-plated yacht and the Bentley.
Obama jokes-Vice President
Q: Why should Obama have chosen Evan Bayh for Vice President?
A: The name Birch Evans Bayh III makes Barack Hussein Obama sound almost normal.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Funny jokes-Smash ten bottles
A Swede was in a pub in Finland and a regular customer suggested to him:
"I'll give you $200, if you let me smash ten beer bottles on your head."
The Swede thought for a while and finally agreed, partly because of the peer pressure.
The Finn smashed the first bottle on the Swede's head, then the second and so on, but he stopped after smashing nine bottles.
"So, when are you going to smash the tenth bottle?," asked the Swede.
"I am not a total idiot," the Finn replied, "then I would have to give you that $200."
Really funny jokes-Racehorse doping
Racehorse doping is not unknown in Ireland.
One day, the Clerk of the Course spotted a trainer giving something to a horse just before the start of a race.
He went over and said, "Doping?"
The trainer said, "Indeed not, Sor.
'Tis just lump sugar. Look, I'll take a bit meself.. see?"
The Clerk of the Course said,
"Sorry, but we have to be careful. As a matter of fact, I like a bit of sugar meself."
So the trainer gave him a piece.
When the Clerk of the Course disappeared, the trainer gave his jockey his last minute instructions,
"Don't forget the drill.
Hold him in 'til the last four furlongs.
Don't worry if anything passes ye, it'll be me or the Clerk of the Course!"
Friday, September 23, 2011
Hilarious jokes-American Tourists
How Many American Tourists Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?
Fifteen.
Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.
One line jokes-Extraordinarily patient
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Really funny jokes-Thousands at home
A Cuban, a Scot, a Spaniard, and an Irishman are sharing a carriage on a train to Belfast.
The Cuban lights up this enormous Cuban cigar, takes one short drag from it and flings the cigar out the window.
The other three look at him in amazement and ask why he just threw out a full Cuban cigar.
He says, "I'm from Cuba, we have thousands of those things back home."
The Scot pulls out a litre bottle of Bells Whiskey, a 50 year-old bottle, takes a short measure glass, half fills it, knocks it back and flings the remainder of the bottle out the window.
The other three are in shock, ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of fine malt Scottish whiskey??!!
He replies, "I'm Scottish, we have thousands of those things at home."
The Spaniard pulls out a flagon of red wine, a 100 year-old classic. He takes a couple of sips, licks his lips, and flings the remainder of the wine out the window.
The other three ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of classic wine, he replies, "I'm Spanish, I have thousands of those things back home."
The Irish then grabs the Spaniard and throws him out of the window.
Funny American jokes-Things You Learn in Texas
Things You Learn in Texas
Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Texas.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas plus a couple that have not been identified yet.
Onced and Twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
People actually grow and eat okra.
"Fixinto" is one word.
There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper.
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!
DJeet? means "Did you eat?"
You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
You measure distance in minutes.
You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
The first day of deer season is a national holiday.
100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm." We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.
A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.
We don't need no stinking driver's Ed . . . If our mama says we can drive, we can drive.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Celebrity jokes-50 cent's Car
Q: Did you hear about that car 50 Cent sent to his mechanic?
A: The engine was shot...just like everything else.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Really funny jokes-Buffalo come
A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"
And the Indian replies, "Ear sticky".
Hilarious jokes-Paralyze
Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
A: He married her.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Economy jokes-DOW average
Q: What will happen if the DOW average falls any further?
A: They'll add a N to the end of it!
Birthday party jokes-Games Rabbits play
What birthday party games do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Really funny jokes-You know you are living in 2011
You know you are living in 2011 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the shopping.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go home and get it !!
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your tea or coffee
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message to.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list !!
Blonde jokes-Ice hockey team
Q: What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
A: They drowned in Spring training.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
One line jokes-Overdressed
People who are wrapped up in themselves are overdressed.
Labels:One line jokes,Short funny jokes,SMS jokes0 Comments: Posta CommentNewer PostOlder PostHomeRecent postsLoading...Really funny jokes-American soldier
A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit.
As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats.
A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog.
The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.
"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog?
Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"
The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "Oh! You Americans. You are so rude. Fluffy is in that seat, and I see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."
The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out.
The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.
"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... You eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong b
Friday, September 16, 2011
Good jokes-New Swedish Navy
Why does the NEW Swedish navy have glass-bottom boats?
To see the OLD Swedish navy.
Funny jokes-Inconsiderate husband
Question. What is the definition of an inconsiderate husband?
Answer. One who wins a trip to Paris and goes by himself, twice.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Really funny jokes-Degree of Urgency
Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manyana'.
Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.
He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?"
The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish.
"No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency," replied Brennan.
Birthday jokes-Balloon
What did the birthday balloon state to the pin?
“Hi, Buster.”
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Funny jokes-Sign here
Louise went into her bank to cash a cheque. She looked so hesitant that the cashier went to help her. 'Please sign the back of the cheque, 'the teller told her, 'as you'd sign a letter.
'Louise looked extremely grateful, scribbled on the cheque and passed it back to the cashier.
Signed on the back was: 'Yours affectionately, Louise.'
One line jokes-Crowded Elevator
Confucius says-
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Funny American jokes
Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet.
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Computer Jokes
Funny Clean Computer Jokes
Exercise Joke
For those keyboard jockeys (those with jobs that require sitting at a computer all day) who don't want to spend the money for those fancy exercise machines, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week is best.Begin by standing (in your cubicle works well) with a five pound potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
After a few weeks, move up to ten pound potato sacks and then fifty pound potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a one hundred pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Next, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks.
Norvegian Virus Joke
Received in a recent email:
VARNING: MinnySoda Compewtr VirusVe haf just sent you da NORVEGIAN VIRUS. Since ve do not haf any programming experience and do not know how to actually demage your computir, dis Virus verks on da honor system. Please forward dis Virus to eferyvone on your mailing list and den manually delete all of da files on your hard drive.
Tank you for your cooperation,
Sven and Ole
Answer This
Those Questions No One Can Answer
Why does rain drop for snow fall?
What disease did cured ham have?
What's the difference between unique and very unique?We put in our two cents, but only get a penny for our thoughts. Who gets the extra penny?
When do you become important enough to be considered assassinated and not just murdered?
Can you cry under water?
Who decided that a round pizza should be put in a square box?
When you get to heaven, are you stuck for eternity wearing the same clothes you were buried in?
Why did we put a man on the moon before we realized it would be a good idea to make luggage with wheels?
Why are actors IN movies but ON television?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast?
Why does grass grow where you do not want it and not grow where you do?
Why do we say we slept like a baby when they wake up every two hours?
Why do we pay to get to the top of tall buildings, then pay to use binoculars to look at things on the ground?
If a deaf person goes to court, do they call it a hearing?
What is a Japanese maple tree called in Japan? (Ans: Baby's Palm)
We say, "It's Greek to me." What do the Greeks say? (Ans: It's Chinese to me.)
If we don't care that Jimmy cracked corn, why do we still sing about it?
Why does Goofy stand upright and Pluto stand on all four feet? They're both dogs.
Do "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" and "The Alphabet Song" have the same tune?
On Gilligan's Island, the professor could make a radio out of a coconut. Why couldn't he fix the hole in the boat?
If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to buy all that stuff from ACME, why doesn't he just buy himself dinner?
Can you drive in the car pool lane if you're driving a hearse with a corpse in it?
Why does a dog get mad at you if you blow in his face, but then stick his head out the window when you take him for a car ride?
Monday, September 12, 2011
Out of The Mouth of Babes : part 3
Some Really Smart Students
Teacher: Name two states in the United States.
Mary: Pick me! Pick me!
Teacher: Mary?
Mary: I'll name one Taylor and the other one Charley!
Teacher: Joe, why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?
Joe: Because you told me to do it without using tables.
Teacher: Suzi, go to the map and find North America.
Suzi: Here it is.
Teacher: That's correct. Now, Bobby, who discovered North America?
Bobby: Suzi
Teacher: Jesse, why do you always get so dirty.
Jesse: Well, you see, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
Teacher: Glen, what is the chemical formula for water?
Glen: H I J K L M N O
Teacher: Where did you get that?
Glen: Yesterday you told us it was H to O.
Teacher: Barry, your essay about your dog is exactly the same as your brothers. Did you copy his?
Barry: Ma'am. It's the same dog.
Teacher: Donald, how do you spell crocodile?
Donald: K R O K O D I A L
Teacher: No, that's wrong.
Donald: Maybe it is, but you asked me how I spell it.
Teacher: Name one important thing that we have today which we didn't have ten years ago.
Wendy: Me!
Teacher: George Washington chopped down the cherry tree, but then admitted it. Does anyone know why his father didn't punish him?
Brian: Because he still had the axe in his hand.
Teacher: Danny, do you say a prayer before eating?
Danny: No, ma'am. I don't have to. My mother is a good cook.
Teacher: Jake, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Jake: A teacher.
Teacher: Name two states in the United States.
Mary: Pick me! Pick me!
Teacher: Mary?
Mary: I'll name one Taylor and the other one Charley!
Teacher: Joe, why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?
Joe: Because you told me to do it without using tables.
Teacher: Suzi, go to the map and find North America.
Suzi: Here it is.
Teacher: That's correct. Now, Bobby, who discovered North America?
Bobby: Suzi
Teacher: Jesse, why do you always get so dirty.
Jesse: Well, you see, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
Teacher: Glen, what is the chemical formula for water?
Glen: H I J K L M N O
Teacher: Where did you get that?
Glen: Yesterday you told us it was H to O.
Teacher: Barry, your essay about your dog is exactly the same as your brothers. Did you copy his?
Barry: Ma'am. It's the same dog.
Teacher: Donald, how do you spell crocodile?
Donald: K R O K O D I A L
Teacher: No, that's wrong.
Donald: Maybe it is, but you asked me how I spell it.
Teacher: Name one important thing that we have today which we didn't have ten years ago.
Wendy: Me!
Teacher: George Washington chopped down the cherry tree, but then admitted it. Does anyone know why his father didn't punish him?
Brian: Because he still had the axe in his hand.
Teacher: Danny, do you say a prayer before eating?
Danny: No, ma'am. I don't have to. My mother is a good cook.
Teacher: Jake, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Jake: A teacher.
Out Of the Mouth of Babes : part 3
Kids Unique View of Science
When scientist broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open the atoms, they found they were stuffed with explosions.
While the earth appears to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it really is only centrificating.
One horsepower is how much energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
Rainbows are just for us to look at, but not really understand.
You can listen to the thunder after seeing lightning and tell how close you came.
If people run around and around in circles we say that they are crazy. When planets do the same thing, we say they are orbiting.
The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
In South America, they have cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters haven't been discovered yet. Finding them all means living forever.
Someday we may learn how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
A vibration is a motion that can't make up its mind which way it wants to go.
Most books now say that the sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
Lime is a green-tasting rock.
Water freezes at 32o and boils at 212o. There are 180o between boiling and freezing because there are 180o between north and south.
There's a tremendous weight which is pushing down on the center of the earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.
Some people are able to tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
To most people a solution mean finding the answers. But to chemists a solution is when things are still all mixed up.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
We say perfume disappears because of evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around and around. There is not much else for them to do.
Clouds are high flying fogs.
I'm not sure how clouds are formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
When we look at a drop of water under a microscope, we find that there are twice as many H's as O's.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
When scientist broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open the atoms, they found they were stuffed with explosions.
While the earth appears to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it really is only centrificating.
One horsepower is how much energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
Rainbows are just for us to look at, but not really understand.You can listen to the thunder after seeing lightning and tell how close you came.
If people run around and around in circles we say that they are crazy. When planets do the same thing, we say they are orbiting.
The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
In South America, they have cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters haven't been discovered yet. Finding them all means living forever.
Someday we may learn how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
A vibration is a motion that can't make up its mind which way it wants to go.
Most books now say that the sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
Lime is a green-tasting rock.
Water freezes at 32o and boils at 212o. There are 180o between boiling and freezing because there are 180o between north and south.
There's a tremendous weight which is pushing down on the center of the earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.
Some people are able to tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
To most people a solution mean finding the answers. But to chemists a solution is when things are still all mixed up.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
We say perfume disappears because of evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around and around. There is not much else for them to do.
Clouds are high flying fogs.
I'm not sure how clouds are formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
When we look at a drop of water under a microscope, we find that there are twice as many H's as O's.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Out Of the Mouth of Babes : Part 2
What Kids Think About Their Mothers
Aren't kids great? They say what's on their minds and what makes perfect sense to them. And we adults get to enjoy it. Here are the answers some elementary school children gave to these questions about their mothers.
He made my Mom just the same as he made me. He just used some bigger parts.
He used dirt, just like He used for the rest of us.
To help us come out when we were getting born.
Mainly to clean the house.
She's the only one who knows where to find the scotch tape.
We're related.
They say she used to be nice.
My mother has always been my mother and none of that other stuff.
God makes mothers out of angel hair and clouds everything nice in the world, and one dab of mean.
She had to know his background. Like does he get drunk on beer? Is he a crook? Does he make at least $900 a year? Did he say "No" to drugs and "Yes" to chores?
My grandma says that mommy didn't have her thinking cap on.
My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mommy eats a lot.
My mom doesn't want to be the boss, but she has to because my dad's such a goofball.
Mom. You can tell by how she does room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
I guess my mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than my dad.
Mothers don't do spare time.
Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just have to work at work.
About 30 years.
The greatest mother in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
Just her children.
On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
A diet.
She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
Aren't kids great? They say what's on their minds and what makes perfect sense to them. And we adults get to enjoy it. Here are the answers some elementary school children gave to these questions about their mothers.
How did God make mothers?
Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.He made my Mom just the same as he made me. He just used some bigger parts.
He used dirt, just like He used for the rest of us.
Why did God make mothers?
Think about it, it was the best way to get more people. To help us come out when we were getting born.Mainly to clean the house.
She's the only one who knows where to find the scotch tape.
Why did God give you your mother and not somebody else's mom?
God knew she likes me a lot more than other kid's moms like me.We're related.
What kind of little girl was your mother?
I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be she was pretty bossy.They say she used to be nice.
My mother has always been my mother and none of that other stuff.
What ingredients does God use to make mothers?
They get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.God makes mothers out of angel hair and clouds everything nice in the world, and one dab of mean.
How did your mother meet your dad?
Mommy was working in a store and daddy was shoplifting.What did your mother need to know about your father before she married him?
His last name.She had to know his background. Like does he get drunk on beer? Is he a crook? Does he make at least $900 a year? Did he say "No" to drugs and "Yes" to chores?
Why did your mother marry your father?
She got too old to do anything else with him.My grandma says that mommy didn't have her thinking cap on.
My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mommy eats a lot.
Who's the boss around your house?
My mom doesn't want to be the boss, but she has to because my dad's such a goofball.Mom. You can tell by how she does room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
I guess my mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than my dad.
What makes a real woman?
A real woman is that you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.What does your mother do in her spare time?
To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.Mothers don't do spare time.
What's the difference between dads and moms?
Dads are stronger and taller, but moms have the real power cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just have to work at work.
What's the difference between mothers and grandmas?
You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!About 30 years.
Describe the world's greatest mother?
She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!The greatest mother in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is there anything about your mother that's perfect?
Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
Just her children.
What would it take to make your mother perfect?
You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
A diet.
If you could change one thing about your mother, what would it be?
I'd make my mother smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
Out of the Mouth of Babes
KidSpeak - What Will They Say Next?
What's Really Important
One warm summer evening a mother was driving with her three young children. A woman in the convertible in front of them stood up and waved. She was STARK NAKED. As the mother was reeling from shock, the five year old said, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"Ketchup
A mother was struggling to get the ketchup out of the bottle when the phone rang. She asked her four year old daughter to answer it. She heard her daughter say, "Mommy can't come to the phone. She's hitting the bottle."I Pledge Allegiance
Not quite getting it, the little first grader said, "I led the pigeons to the flag."The Police
A policeman was taking a vandalism report at an elementary school when he was interrupted by a six year old girl. She looked up and down at his uniform and asked, "Are you a policeman?""Yes, I am," he said.
"My mother told me that if I ever needed help I should ask a policeman. Is that right," the girl asked.
"Yes it is," said the policeman.
The girl extended her foot to the policeman and said, "OK, then, would you tie my shoe?"
More Police
At the end of the day, a policeman parked his van in front of the station. As he was gathering his equipment, his dog started barking. The policeman looked up to see a puzzled looking little boy. "Is that a dog you have back there?""Yes, it is," said the policeman.
"What'd he do?"
The Elderly
When I worked for an organization which delivered meals to the elderly, I would take along my four year old daughter. She was always fascinated by the appliances of old age - canes, walkers, wheelchairs, etc. One day I saw her staring at a set of false teeth in a jar. She said to me, "The tooth fairy will never believe this."Dress Up
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw that her father was putting on his tuxedo, she said, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.""Why not?" he asked.
"Because it always gives you a headache the next morning."
Smart Mom
A mother was walking with her four year old daughter one day when the daughter picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth. The mother stopped her and said she shouldn't do that."Why," asked the little girl.
"Because it’s dirty. It's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been. It probably has germs."
The little girl looked up at her mom with admiration and asked, "How do you know so much?"
Thinking quickly, the mother said, "All moms know so much. We have to. It's on the Mommy Test. If you don't know it, you don't get to be a mommy."
The little girl pondered this for a few minutes, then her face brightened. "I get it!" she said. "If you don't pass the test, you get to be a daddy!""Yup," said the mom.
Dumb Mom
Not all kids think their moms are smart. Did you hear about the five year old boy who was sent to his room by his mother for having a bit of a tantrum and calling her dumb? After about fifteen minutes, the mother went to his room to see if he was repentant. She found that her son had regained his composure. He calmly and politely said to her, "But Mom, you really are dumb."Ironing
A mother was ironing the clean laundry one day. Her son asked her, "Mother, why are you ironing those clothes?"His mother said, "To make them nice and wrinkle free."
Her son said, "Then, why don't you iron Grandma's face?
Children and Childbirth
The baby was coming way too fast so the paramedics were called. To make it worse, when they arrived, there was a power outage. The paramedics asked the four year old sister to hold the flashlight for them.Despite the difficulties, all went well and the mother delivered a baby boy. The paramedic smacked him on the behind and he began to cry.
Looking over at the wide eyed little girl, the paramedic asked her what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She said, "That naughty boy should have never crawled in there. Spank him again!"
I'd Like to See That
"Oh, boy! I'm glad you're here," the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side."Why?" she asked.
"Because now Daddy will do the trick he's been promising us."
"What trick?"
"Well, he told Mommy that if you came to visit, he would climb the walls."
Child Psychology
A new teacher thought she would use what she learned in her psychology courses. She said to her class, "Everyone who thinks they are stupid, please stand up."After a few seconds, one boy stood. "Do you think you're stupid?" she asked.
"No, ma'am, but I just didn't want you to have to stand there all by yourself."
Beauty
A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother covered her face in cold cream. "Why do you do that?" he asked."To make myself beautiful."
When she began to rub it off, the boy asked, "Why are you doing that? Did you give up?"
Grandma's Age
A little boy asked his grandmother how old she was."39 and holding," she replied.
"Well, then, how old would you be if you let go?"
Girlie Wisdom
Girlie Wisdom
One of the mysteries of life is that a two pound box of chocolates can make you gain five pounds.The reason women over 50 don't have babies is because we would put them down and forget where we put them.
It's time to give up jogging for your health when your thighs keep rubbing together and starting your pants on fire.
What happens if you confuse your Valium with your birth control pills?
You have 12 kids, but you don't really care.
Skinny people bug me. They say things like, "Sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my keys, my glasses, my address and my mother's maiden name. But I have never forgotten to eat! You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
What is the best way to forget your troubles? Wear tight clothes.
Why is it harder to lose weight as you get older? Because by that time your body and your fat have become really good friends.
My mind doesn't wander, it leaves completely.
What happens when you leave an outfit hanging in your closet for a while? I shrinks two sizes.
It's nice to live in a small town, because if you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
I read some article which said that the symptoms of stress are impulse buying, eating too much and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's what I call a perfect day.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Old Age Jokes
Clean Funny Jokes about Aging
Huh?
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.Three Sisters
Three elderly sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, shared a house together. One evening, the 96 year old sister went upstairs to take a bath. As she put her foot into the tub, she paused. Then she yelled down to the other two sisters and asked, "Was I getting in the tub or out?""You dern fool," said the 94 year old. "I'll come up and see." When she got half way up the stairs she paused. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old sister was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea and thought, "I hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She shook her head and called out, "I'll be up to help you both as soon as I see who's at the door."
Card Buddies
Two elderly ladies had been friends since their 30s. Now in their 80s, they still got together a couple of times a week to play cards. One day they were playing gin rummy and one of them said, "You know, we’ve been friends for many years and, please don't get mad, but for the life of me, I can't remember your name. Please tell me what it is."Her friend glared at her. She continued to glare and stare at her for at least three minutes. Finally, she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Driving Skills
A woman in her 50s was driving with a friend. She went through a red light. The friend didn't say anything. But then she went through another one. The friend said, "Do you realize you just went through two red lights?""Oh," she said, "was I driving?"
Over The Hill Party Supplies
Best Old Age Joke
Some 15 year old girlfriends decided to meet for dinner. They discussed where to eat and finally agreed on McDonald's next to the Sea Side Restaurant because they only had $6.50 between them and Bobby Bruce, the cute boy in science class, lived on that street.10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 25-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because it had free snacks, there was no cover charge, the beer was cheap, the band was good and there were lots of cute guys.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 35-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the combos were good, it was near the gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be many whiny little kids.10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 45-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 55-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the prices were reasonable, it had widows which opened (in case of hot flashes), the wine list was good and fish was good for their cholesterol.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 65-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because they had an Early Bird Special and the lighting was good.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 75-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the food wasn't too spicy and it was handicapped accessible.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 85-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because they'd never been there before.
Old Age Quiz
Q: How can you speed up the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid getting wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: No, seriously. How can I get rid of these crow's feet and all the wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It usually pulls them out.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they browse an antique store?
A: I remember these.
Q: Where can a man over 60 find a younger, good looking woman who is interested in him?
A: Try the bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a husband do when his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If he's handy with tools, he can finish the basement. Then when he's finished, he'll have a place to live.
Q: Why should 60+ people use valet parking?
A: The valet won't forget where he parked your car.
Q: Is it a common problem for 60+ year olds to have trouble with memory storage?
A: No. Memory storage is not the problem. Memory retrieval is.
Q: Do people sleep more soundly as they get older?
A: Yes, but it's usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should old people look for glasses?
A: On their forehead.
Perks Of Being Over The Hill
- There is nothing left anymore to learn the hard way.
- Things that you buy now won't wear out.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
- You no longer think of the speed limit as a challenge.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally paying off.
- You can quit trying to hold in your stomach no matter who walks into the room.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them anyway.
- You can sing along with elevator music.
- Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the guy on the television.
- Your eyes won't get too much worse.
- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
- People call you at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you???? "
- You can get into a heated argument about pension plans.
- You can eat dinner at 4:00 in the afternoon.
- In a hostage situation you are the most likely to be released first.
- No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
- You are no longer viewed as a hypochondriac.
You Know You're Getting Old When
A young teenager, listening to some music his mother was playing asked who the band was. "The Beatles," she told him."Oh. Who's in the group?"
When his mother told him, he said with surprise, "I didn't know Paul McCartney had a group before Wings!"
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