Doctor Jokes

Here are some and humor to lighten up the next visit to the Doctor's office or the hospital. Some dentist jokes, pharmacist jokes and psychology / psychiatrist jokes too. First some short , followed by a few longer ones.


A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a turnip in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

From the pharmacist: Take one of these pills every four hours. Or as often as you can get the cap off.
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $500.00.
Patient: $500.00 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like. What do you call a depressed dentist?
A little down in the mouth.


Doctor calls her patient: I have some bad news and some very very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have no more than 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible!! What could be worse than that? So, what's the very bad news?
Doctor: I have been trying to reach you since yesterday.

An oldie:
Doctor will I be able to play the violin after the operation?
Yes, of course...
Great ... I never could before...


Jake was going in for eye surgery and says to the opthamalogist, I’m very worried about the this operation, doc. What are the chances? The eye-doctor replies, Don’t worry, you won’t be able to see the difference.

Doctor: "I've got very bad news for you - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"

After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asks, "are these time release pills?" The pharmacist replies, "Yes. They begin to work after your check clears."

Doctor, you've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!

Two psychiatrists pass in the hall. The first psychiatrist says, "How you doing?" The other thinks, "I wonder what he really meant by that."

Patient: Doctor, I think I just swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.
Carlson: My wife beats me, doctor
Doctor: That's awful. How often?
Carlson: Every time we play golf!

Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you?