A quick one that my child tried on me this morning:
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Hey Hey
Hey Hey Who?
Hey Hey, what do you want to do today?Reactions: Labels:clean-jokes,knock-knock-jokes
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
Rabbit Jokes
Amazing but true.
Q - What two animals eat their own poop?
A - Come-on nobody does that.
Q - Wrong. Rabbits and guinea pigs.
Here is the serious science behind it:
Valentine's Jokes and Humor
Before we know it Valentine's Day will be here again on February 14. In honor of Valentine's day here are some Valentine jokes and other jokes about relationships, not just for Valentine's Day.
xoxoxoxoxo
xoxoxoxoxo
Thursday, October 6, 2011
More Rosie O'Donnell Jokes
Sheesh just when we thought we got rid of her, she's baaaaaaaaaack. We're all so surprised ... not. Well now after getting her sour PR stunts shoved back by Trump, now Rosie went looking for a softer target - Paula Abdul and American Idol. Now we're not great AI fans, but hey, Rosie gave us fodder for more bad Rosie jokes. More Rosie jokes in our earlier post.
Hey Paula Abdul, what do you think of Rosie's comments?
What did you say?
What did you think of Rosie's blast on you?
I was trying to be polite, she's irrelevant.
But Rosie doesn't like your American Idol show.
Nobody cares, her's is going down fast.
What did Donald Trump think?
She's looking for a softer target.
Is any one surprised Rosie is muck raking again?
Not really. She is promoting ABC to knock down their competition The Apprentice and American Idol.
Updated Now Rosie has a new target: Oprah. Yippeee.
So, Rosie reportedly has made degrading jokes on Paula Abdul, Donald Trump, Oprah, Chinese, American Idol. Who else does Rosie hate? .... YOU. Lol. Yippeeee.
Who does Rosie like? Dunno, maybe Barbara Walters, as long as she reads from the cue cards.Reactions: Labels:American-Idol-Jokes,Paula-Abdul-Jokes,political-jokes,Rosie-Jokes,Rosie-ODonnell-Jokes,Rosie-Paula-Abdul-Jokes,Trump-Rosie-Jokes
Hey Paula Abdul, what do you think of Rosie's comments?
What did you say?
What did you think of Rosie's blast on you?
I was trying to be polite, she's irrelevant.
But Rosie doesn't like your American Idol show.
Nobody cares, her's is going down fast.
What did Donald Trump think?
She's looking for a softer target.
Is any one surprised Rosie is muck raking again?
Not really. She is promoting ABC to knock down their competition The Apprentice and American Idol.
Updated Now Rosie has a new target: Oprah. Yippeee.
So, Rosie reportedly has made degrading jokes on Paula Abdul, Donald Trump, Oprah, Chinese, American Idol. Who else does Rosie hate? .... YOU. Lol. Yippeeee.
Who does Rosie like? Dunno, maybe Barbara Walters, as long as she reads from the cue cards.Reactions: Labels:American-Idol-Jokes,Paula-Abdul-Jokes,political-jokes,Rosie-Jokes,Rosie-ODonnell-Jokes,Rosie-Paula-Abdul-Jokes,Trump-Rosie-Jokes
Retirement Jokes
Here the Senility Prayer: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Bank Jokes
Why are banks like trees?
They have lots of branches.
$$$$$$$$$$
Dumb Bank, Smart Blond joke:
A blond walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan Officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to $350,000 Bentley. After verifying ownership of the car, the bank gives her the $5,000 loan.
The bankers enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $350,000 Bentley as collateral against a $5,000 loan, and one of the banker s then proceeds to drive the Bentley into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Three weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $19.50. The banker says,
We are very happy to have your business, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a billionaire. So why did you bother to lose your Bentley for three weeks and to borrow $5,000?
The blonde replies, Where else in New York City can I park my car for three weeks for only $19.50 and expect it to be there when I return?
$$$$$$$$$$
A frog walks into a bank for a loan, joke video:
$$$$$$$$$$
Mortgage banker joke video - Banker gets Punk'd
$$$$$$$$$$
Dutch version of the car parking bank loan joke:
More banking jokes and News and information behind the jokes at Humor-and-Jokes.com.
Office Jokes index at Humor-and-Jokes.com.
They have lots of branches.
$$$$$$$$$$
Dumb Bank, Smart Blond joke:
A blond walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan Officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to $350,000 Bentley. After verifying ownership of the car, the bank gives her the $5,000 loan.
The bankers enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $350,000 Bentley as collateral against a $5,000 loan, and one of the banker s then proceeds to drive the Bentley into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Three weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $19.50. The banker says,
We are very happy to have your business, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a billionaire. So why did you bother to lose your Bentley for three weeks and to borrow $5,000?
The blonde replies, Where else in New York City can I park my car for three weeks for only $19.50 and expect it to be there when I return?
$$$$$$$$$$
A frog walks into a bank for a loan, joke video:
$$$$$$$$$$
Mortgage banker joke video - Banker gets Punk'd
$$$$$$$$$$
Dutch version of the car parking bank loan joke:
More banking jokes and News and information behind the jokes at Humor-and-Jokes.com.
Office Jokes index at Humor-and-Jokes.com.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Easter Jokes
In the spirit of the Easter holiday season, here are a few honoring the Easter bunny and Easter Eggs, and the holiday...
News and stories behind the humor in the page at Humor-and-Jokes.com
Q - How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
A - Hareobics!
Q - Why did the Easter bunny cross the road?
A - To prove she wasn't chicken!
Q - Why did the Easter bunny cross the road?
A - It was the chicken's day off.
Q - Why does the Easter bunny have a shiny nose?
A - His powder puff is on the wrong end.
Q - How can you find the Easter bunny?
A - Eggs (x) marks the spot.
Q - Why did the Easter egg hide behind the bush?
A - He was a little chicken.
Q - What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?
A - It's been nice gnawing you.
Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Some bunny.
Some bunny who?
Some bunny is eating my Easter candy!
Q - What did the man say when he saw 10 Easter bunnies hopping down a hill?
A - There go 10 Easter bunnies hopping down the hill...
Q - And, then what did the man say when he saw 10 Easter bunnies hopping down a hill wearing sunglasses?
A - Nothing...He didn't recognize them.
Q - How does the Easter bunny paint all the Easter eggs?
A - She hires santa's elves during off-season.
Chocolate Easter Bunnies:
News and stories behind the humor in the page at Humor-and-Jokes.com
Q - How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
A - Hareobics!
Q - Why did the Easter bunny cross the road?
A - To prove she wasn't chicken!
Q - Why did the Easter bunny cross the road?
A - It was the chicken's day off.
Q - Why does the Easter bunny have a shiny nose?
A - His powder puff is on the wrong end.
Q - How can you find the Easter bunny?
A - Eggs (x) marks the spot.
Q - Why did the Easter egg hide behind the bush?
A - He was a little chicken.
Q - What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?
A - It's been nice gnawing you.
Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Some bunny.
Some bunny who?
Some bunny is eating my Easter candy!
Q - What did the man say when he saw 10 Easter bunnies hopping down a hill?
A - There go 10 Easter bunnies hopping down the hill...
Q - And, then what did the man say when he saw 10 Easter bunnies hopping down a hill wearing sunglasses?
A - Nothing...He didn't recognize them.
Q - How does the Easter bunny paint all the Easter eggs?
A - She hires santa's elves during off-season.
Chocolate Easter Bunnies:
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Basketball Jokes
Q: Why are basketball players messy eaters?
A: They're always dribbling.
Q: What's the difference between a basketball player and a dog?
A: One drools, the other dribbles.
Q: What did Bobby Knight say about coaching the 1980 U.S. Olympics basketball team against the team from China?
A: "It was a lot of fun playing the Chinese, but an hour later, we wanted to play them again."
Q: Why was Cinderella thrown off the team?
A: She ran away from the ball.
Q: What do you do when you see an elephant with a basketball?
A: You get out of the way fast.
Q: Why did the coach let the elephant play basketball?
A: He already broke the bench.
Q. Why did Ron Artest leave the game early?
A. He wanted to beat the crowd.
Q: How did the basketball court get wet?
A: The players dribbled all over it.
We're shooting 100 percent - 60 percent from the field and 40 percent from the free-throw line.
Q: If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does an astronaut get?
A: Missile toe!
Q: Why can't you play sports in the jungle?
A: Because of the cheetahs.
There was a Knicks fan with nosebleed seat in Madison Square Garden. Looking around, he spotted an empty seat court side. So, he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it,
"Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big basketball fan."
"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
"They're all at the funeral."
A: They're always dribbling.
Q: What's the difference between a basketball player and a dog?
A: One drools, the other dribbles.
Q: What did Bobby Knight say about coaching the 1980 U.S. Olympics basketball team against the team from China?
A: "It was a lot of fun playing the Chinese, but an hour later, we wanted to play them again."
Q: Why was Cinderella thrown off the team?
A: She ran away from the ball.
Q: What do you do when you see an elephant with a basketball?
A: You get out of the way fast.
Q: Why did the coach let the elephant play basketball?
A: He already broke the bench.
Q. Why did Ron Artest leave the game early?
A. He wanted to beat the crowd.
Q: How did the basketball court get wet?
A: The players dribbled all over it.
We're shooting 100 percent - 60 percent from the field and 40 percent from the free-throw line.
Q: If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does an astronaut get?
A: Missile toe!
Q: Why can't you play sports in the jungle?
A: Because of the cheetahs.
There was a Knicks fan with nosebleed seat in Madison Square Garden. Looking around, he spotted an empty seat court side. So, he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it,
"Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big basketball fan."
"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
"They're all at the funeral."
Real Estate Jokes
Q: What is a maintenance-free house....
A: There hasn't been any maintenance in the last 10 years.
The home buyer thinking of the real estate agent: I didn't think anybody could have that many teeth without being a shark.
Q: When is a one-story house a two-story house?
A: You get one story before you buy and the second story after.
This house is 5 minutes from shopping ... if you have an airplane.
News and stories behind the humor in the page at Humor-and-Jokes.com
The home buyer told the real estate agent that he lived in the same big house for the last 10 years. When the real estate agent checked his credit, she found out he still would be there today without the pardon from the Governor.
Q: How close was the house for sale to water?
A: In the basement.
By the time you pay off a house in the suburbs, it isn't.
Q: What is a house-warming party?
A: The final call for those who haven't sent a wedding present.
Your home feels like a castle... when you pay the taxes.
Q: How long is a temporary mortgage?
A: Until the bank forecloses.
Charity is a thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
Here is an odd Real Estate listing: This house has a great location, but just one problem... The oven is self-cleaning, but the kids weren't.
Q: Why do you want front door leading right into the dining room instead of the foyer?
A: So my in-laws won't have to waste any time.
Realtor to First Time Homebuyer: First let's have a frank discussion about what you can afford ... then we'll all laugh hysterically and go on from there.
If you think no one cares you're alive, miss a couple of house payments.
A large real estate lender called FIRST National Bank took out a billboard, giving the wrong message, "Loans make life easier, at FIRST."
What destroys people and leaves buildings intact, that isn't a neutron bomb. It's called a mortgage.
Q: Why was the 10,000 sq. ft. mansion listed for only $1000? It had a swimming pool, guest house and no discernible structural problems.
A: The seller was getting divorced and all her husband asked for was the proceeds from the sale.
Q: How do you become a homeowner?
A: Take out a first and second mortgage.
A: There hasn't been any maintenance in the last 10 years.
The home buyer thinking of the real estate agent: I didn't think anybody could have that many teeth without being a shark.
Q: When is a one-story house a two-story house?
A: You get one story before you buy and the second story after.
This house is 5 minutes from shopping ... if you have an airplane.
News and stories behind the humor in the page at Humor-and-Jokes.com
The home buyer told the real estate agent that he lived in the same big house for the last 10 years. When the real estate agent checked his credit, she found out he still would be there today without the pardon from the Governor.
Q: How close was the house for sale to water?
A: In the basement.
By the time you pay off a house in the suburbs, it isn't.
Q: What is a house-warming party?
A: The final call for those who haven't sent a wedding present.
Your home feels like a castle... when you pay the taxes.
Q: How long is a temporary mortgage?
A: Until the bank forecloses.
Charity is a thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
Here is an odd Real Estate listing: This house has a great location, but just one problem... The oven is self-cleaning, but the kids weren't.
Q: Why do you want front door leading right into the dining room instead of the foyer?
A: So my in-laws won't have to waste any time.
Realtor to First Time Homebuyer: First let's have a frank discussion about what you can afford ... then we'll all laugh hysterically and go on from there.
If you think no one cares you're alive, miss a couple of house payments.
A large real estate lender called FIRST National Bank took out a billboard, giving the wrong message, "Loans make life easier, at FIRST."
What destroys people and leaves buildings intact, that isn't a neutron bomb. It's called a mortgage.
Q: Why was the 10,000 sq. ft. mansion listed for only $1000? It had a swimming pool, guest house and no discernible structural problems.
A: The seller was getting divorced and all her husband asked for was the proceeds from the sale.
Q: How do you become a homeowner?
A: Take out a first and second mortgage.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Golf Jokes
Q: Why did the golfer wear 2 pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
The problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
Q: How is golf like taxes?
A: You drive hard to get to the green, and then you wind up in the hole.
$$$
Three seniors were out golfing. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one said.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them" said the second senior.
After hearing enough from his buddies, the third senior said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"
$$$
Carl goes out golfing with his boss Lyle to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellently and at a fast pace, they are often held up by two women in front of them chatting and searching for hook shots execissively. Joe goes to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. But once he gets about half the way to them, he stops and hurries back to where his boss Lyle is waiting.
Lyle asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," said Carl. Lyle just shook his head and with his impatience growing started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.
Carl asked "what's wrong?" Lyle replied, "It's a small, small world Carl, and you're fired."
A: In case he got a hole in one.
The problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
Q: How is golf like taxes?
A: You drive hard to get to the green, and then you wind up in the hole.
$$$
Three seniors were out golfing. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one said.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them" said the second senior.
After hearing enough from his buddies, the third senior said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"
$$$
Carl goes out golfing with his boss Lyle to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellently and at a fast pace, they are often held up by two women in front of them chatting and searching for hook shots execissively. Joe goes to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. But once he gets about half the way to them, he stops and hurries back to where his boss Lyle is waiting.
Lyle asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," said Carl. Lyle just shook his head and with his impatience growing started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.
Carl asked "what's wrong?" Lyle replied, "It's a small, small world Carl, and you're fired."
Birthday Jokes
On your birthday every year, you get one year older. For some they stop at 29, others at 21. Here are some and humor to lighten up the special day.
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
Their birthdays all fall on holidays.
Q - What type of cake is used for birthday cake in heaven?
A - Angel food cake.
Q - Did you hear about the maple tree's birthday?
A - It was a sappy one!
News and stories behind the humor in the page at Humor-and-Jokes.com
You know you're growing old when by the time you've lit the last candle on the birthday cake, the first one has burned out.
Q - When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
A - They both get sliced.
Q - What do you give a nine-hundred-pound gorilla for her birthday?
A - I don't know, but you better hope she likes it!
You know that you are getting old when you remember when the fire department comes to your birthday party in case the candles on the birthday cake get out of hand.
When I was a child my family were so poor that the only thing I got on my birthday was a year older.
Q - What did the birthday balloon say to the pin?
A - "Hi, Buster."
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing.
I told my computer that today is my birthday,
and it said that I needed an upgrade.
Q - Why do you put the candles on top the birthday cake?
A - It's too hard to put the candles on the bottom.
Q - What birthday party games do rabbits like to play?
A - Musical Hares.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Here is a cute and funny humor birthday video from Grey Advertising via YouTube:
Mark Twain on his 70th birthday:
It's a long stretch between that first birthday speech and this one. That was my cradle-song, and this is my swan-song, I suppose. I am used to swan-songs; I have sung them several times.
Remember, growing old is inevitable, but growing up is optional!
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
Their birthdays all fall on holidays.
Q - What type of cake is used for birthday cake in heaven?
A - Angel food cake.
Q - Did you hear about the maple tree's birthday?
A - It was a sappy one!
News and stories behind the humor in the page at Humor-and-Jokes.com
You know you're growing old when by the time you've lit the last candle on the birthday cake, the first one has burned out.
Q - When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
A - They both get sliced.
Q - What do you give a nine-hundred-pound gorilla for her birthday?
A - I don't know, but you better hope she likes it!
You know that you are getting old when you remember when the fire department comes to your birthday party in case the candles on the birthday cake get out of hand.
When I was a child my family were so poor that the only thing I got on my birthday was a year older.
Q - What did the birthday balloon say to the pin?
A - "Hi, Buster."
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing.
I told my computer that today is my birthday,
and it said that I needed an upgrade.
Q - Why do you put the candles on top the birthday cake?
A - It's too hard to put the candles on the bottom.
Q - What birthday party games do rabbits like to play?
A - Musical Hares.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Here is a cute and funny humor birthday video from Grey Advertising via YouTube:
Mark Twain on his 70th birthday:
It's a long stretch between that first birthday speech and this one. That was my cradle-song, and this is my swan-song, I suppose. I am used to swan-songs; I have sung them several times.
Remember, growing old is inevitable, but growing up is optional!
Friday, September 30, 2011
Accountant jokes
What's an actuary?
An accountant without the sense of humor.
Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
They find bookkeeping too exciting.
What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
Invite an accountant.
More Retirement Jokes
Continuing with our Retirement Jokes and humor series, here are a few or senior jokes. Click on the "labels" links at the end to find ...
It's not the age but the mileAGE that counts.
You know that you are getting old when you remember when you had to get up to change the channel on the black and white TV.
You know that you are getting old when you remember Coke came in a glass bottle.
You know that you are getting old when you remember when you wore your good clothes to travel by air.
You know that you are getting old when you remember when most of your sentences begin with, "When I was your age..."
You know that you are getting old when you often repeat things...You often repeat things... You often repeat things...
You know that you are getting old when you remember when getting a new bicycle meant you were rich.
It's not the age but the mileAGE that counts.
You know that you are getting old when you remember when you had to get up to change the channel on the black and white TV.
You know that you are getting old when you remember Coke came in a glass bottle.
You know that you are getting old when you remember when you wore your good clothes to travel by air.
You know that you are getting old when you remember when most of your sentences begin with, "When I was your age..."
You know that you are getting old when you often repeat things...You often repeat things... You often repeat things...
You know that you are getting old when you remember when getting a new bicycle meant you were rich.
Doctor Jokes
Here are some and humor to lighten up the next visit to the Doctor's office or the hospital. Some dentist jokes, pharmacist jokes and psychology / psychiatrist jokes too. First some short , followed by a few longer ones.
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a turnip in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
From the pharmacist: Take one of these pills every four hours. Or as often as you can get the cap off.
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $500.00.
Patient: $500.00 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like. What do you call a depressed dentist?
A little down in the mouth.
Doctor calls her patient: I have some bad news and some very very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have no more than 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible!! What could be worse than that? So, what's the very bad news?
Doctor: I have been trying to reach you since yesterday.
An oldie:
Doctor will I be able to play the violin after the operation?
Yes, of course...
Great ... I never could before...
Jake was going in for eye surgery and says to the opthamalogist, I’m very worried about the this operation, doc. What are the chances? The eye-doctor replies, Don’t worry, you won’t be able to see the difference.
Doctor: "I've got very bad news for you - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"
After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asks, "are these time release pills?" The pharmacist replies, "Yes. They begin to work after your check clears."
Doctor, you've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!
Two psychiatrists pass in the hall. The first psychiatrist says, "How you doing?" The other thinks, "I wonder what he really meant by that."
Patient: Doctor, I think I just swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.
Carlson: My wife beats me, doctor
Doctor: That's awful. How often?
Carlson: Every time we play golf!
Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you?
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a turnip in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
From the pharmacist: Take one of these pills every four hours. Or as often as you can get the cap off.
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $500.00.
Patient: $500.00 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like. What do you call a depressed dentist?
A little down in the mouth.
Doctor calls her patient: I have some bad news and some very very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have no more than 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible!! What could be worse than that? So, what's the very bad news?
Doctor: I have been trying to reach you since yesterday.
An oldie:
Doctor will I be able to play the violin after the operation?
Yes, of course...
Great ... I never could before...
Jake was going in for eye surgery and says to the opthamalogist, I’m very worried about the this operation, doc. What are the chances? The eye-doctor replies, Don’t worry, you won’t be able to see the difference.
Doctor: "I've got very bad news for you - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"
After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asks, "are these time release pills?" The pharmacist replies, "Yes. They begin to work after your check clears."
Doctor, you've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!
Two psychiatrists pass in the hall. The first psychiatrist says, "How you doing?" The other thinks, "I wonder what he really meant by that."
Patient: Doctor, I think I just swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.
Carlson: My wife beats me, doctor
Doctor: That's awful. How often?
Carlson: Every time we play golf!
Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you?
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Banana Jokes
After hearing a banana joke last week, I decided to post a few ...
Q: Why was Anna not allowed to visit the King in his jungle kingdom?
A: He had his guards ban-anna from the castle.
Q: Why did the banana go to the doctor's office?
A: She wasn't peeling well.
Knock knock
Who's There?
Banana
Banana Who?
When you are in a restaurant, always be polite, even if a banana is sitting next to you.
Q: Why was Anna not allowed to visit the King in his jungle kingdom?
A: He had his guards ban-anna from the castle.
Q: Why did the banana go to the doctor's office?
A: She wasn't peeling well.
Knock knock
Who's There?
Banana
Banana Who?
When you are in a restaurant, always be polite, even if a banana is sitting next to you.
Halloween Jokes
! - The ghost, the witch and the watchmaker.
What's scary about a watchmaker? Nothing ... dah dumm ... dumm ... dumm
The air is getting chillier, the pumpkins are appearing, Halloween ghosts and goblins are coming out from hiding in the garage … and I’m collecting from the short jokes to the stupid jokes to the great . In honor of the boooooooootiful season, here are some and Halloween humor, and if you have a joke to add, send it to me or put it in the comments and I’ll add it to the list!
Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A: Bamboo.
Q: How do you mend a broken Halloween Jack-o-lantern?
A: With a pumpkin patch.
What's scary about a watchmaker? Nothing ... dah dumm ... dumm ... dumm
The air is getting chillier, the pumpkins are appearing, Halloween ghosts and goblins are coming out from hiding in the garage … and I’m collecting from the short jokes to the stupid jokes to the great . In honor of the boooooooootiful season, here are some and Halloween humor, and if you have a joke to add, send it to me or put it in the comments and I’ll add it to the list!
Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A: Bamboo.
Q: How do you mend a broken Halloween Jack-o-lantern?
A: With a pumpkin patch.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Hillary Clinton Jokes
Hillary Jokes
- Read from Right to Left
not
- Read from Right to Left
not
Following on the equal humor tradition of the Just Jokes and Humor blog we’ve had Obama Jokes, and now for some Hillary Jokes … that’s for the uninitiated! The first question is obvious … Hillary Jokes? What in the world are Hillary jokes? After all, Hillary Clinton is said to have had her funny bone removed. Ta dum. Not exactly a political jokes or political humor magnate. Uh oh, she’s taking names now!
Obama Jokes
Q: What is greatest irony of Election 2008?
A: Find out below ...
At the Just Jokes and Humor blog we subscribe to equal humor for political jokes. We've had Republican jokes ... now for some Democrat jokes. Don't worry, the political humor pendulum will swing back Republican for sure, and Democrat too.
Bust a move
Ok, laying aside politics ... we love Barack Obama, the Senator from Illinois, and President-elect of the United States. Such a nice ... uh fill in a random sophomoric awkward comment (err joke?) from Senator Joseph Biden here. Yes, that Senator Joseph Biden - called by some the gift that keeps on giving and the originator of the classic Obama joke, now is the Vice-President, making Barack's selection of him the greatest irony of election '08.
A: Find out below ...
At the Just Jokes and Humor blog we subscribe to equal humor for political jokes. We've had Republican jokes ... now for some Democrat jokes. Don't worry, the political humor pendulum will swing back Republican for sure, and Democrat too.
Bust a move
Ok, laying aside politics ... we love Barack Obama, the Senator from Illinois, and President-elect of the United States. Such a nice ... uh fill in a random sophomoric awkward comment (err joke?) from Senator Joseph Biden here. Yes, that Senator Joseph Biden - called by some the gift that keeps on giving and the originator of the classic Obama joke, now is the Vice-President, making Barack's selection of him the greatest irony of election '08.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Thanksgiving Jokes
Turkeys Allowed!
Turkey warning ... Turkey jokes ahead in the annual of the Just Jokes and Humor blog. We love Thanksgiving ... good food, turkey, stuffing and now a little spice to liven up the feast. If you have anymore or turkey jokes to add, send them to us or add to the comments.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.
The Thanksgiving turkey went to the psychiatrist, and said, Doc I need help, I can't stop acting like a turkey...
"I see," said the shrink. "How long have you had this problem?"
"Uh since my mommy laid an egg in 2007!"
Christmas Jokes
Snow is falling (rain in California!), children are playing, bells are ringing ... and I'm collecting entertaining and Hanukkah Jokes from stupid to great, so if you have one to add send it to me, or put it in the comments and I'll add it to the list!
Without further discussion let's start with the ...'Tis the season...
Q-How long should a reindeer's legs be?
A-Just long enough to reach the ground.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Santa it's cold.
Santa it's cold who?
Santa said it's cold, can we take the sleigh out tomorrow instead?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Santa it's freezing.
Santa it's freezing who?
Santa, Rudolph wanated to tes tthe flagpole and it's freezing.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Mary.
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
What happens if you eat x-mas decorations?
You get tinsel-itis!
Did you hear about Hanibal Lechter's Christmas party?
It's a scream!
Keep that reindeer out of the house, it's full of fleas...
He Rudolph?
What?
You better stay out of the house .......... it's full of fleas.
And not a joke but from a friend, a holiday boutique at Christmas Ornaments .coReactions: Labels:Christmas-Humor,Christmas-jokes,clean-christmas-jokes,clean-jokes,holiday-jokes,knock-knock-jokes,Reindeer-Jokes,Rudolph,Santa-Jokes
Without further discussion let's start with the ...'Tis the season...
Q-How long should a reindeer's legs be?
A-Just long enough to reach the ground.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Santa it's cold.
Santa it's cold who?
Santa said it's cold, can we take the sleigh out tomorrow instead?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Santa it's freezing.
Santa it's freezing who?
Santa, Rudolph wanated to tes tthe flagpole and it's freezing.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Mary.
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
What happens if you eat x-mas decorations?
You get tinsel-itis!
Did you hear about Hanibal Lechter's Christmas party?
It's a scream!
Keep that reindeer out of the house, it's full of fleas...
He Rudolph?
What?
You better stay out of the house .......... it's full of fleas.
And not a joke but from a friend, a holiday boutique at Christmas Ornaments .coReactions: Labels:Christmas-Humor,Christmas-jokes,clean-christmas-jokes,clean-jokes,holiday-jokes,knock-knock-jokes,Reindeer-Jokes,Rudolph,Santa-Jokes
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