A Pittsburgh steel worker was driving through northern California's apple country. He stopped at an orchard and asked the owner, "How much are yer apples?"
"All you can pick for one dollar," said the rancher.
"Okay," said the Pennsylvanian. "I'll take two dollars' worth."
Monday, October 10, 2011
Funny jokes-All you can pick
Hilarious jokes-Three hundred years old
There is a guy who arrives to a town in western Spain, he seems like a charlatan and begins to advertise a potion, which supposedly keeps him young despite the fact that he is three hundred years old.
A farmer, having doubts, approaches one of his assistants.
"Hey, is it really true that this guy has lived three hundred years?"
"I don't know, I have only worked with him for two hundred."
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Clean jokes-What brought you here?
A Spanish patient goes to an English doctor.
Doctor: "What is it that's brought you here?"
Patient: "An ambulance. Why?"
Really funny jokes-More American humor
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker -- WOO-EEE!!!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%## Motto? I Got Yer ##$%## Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right to An Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco IS A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep, syrup!
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men...and the sheep are scared!
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Birthday jokes-Maple tree
Did you hear about the maple tree’s birthday?
It was a sappy one!
Knock-Knock Jokes
A quick one that my child tried on me this morning:
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Hey Hey
Hey Hey Who?
Hey Hey, what do you want to do today?Reactions: Labels:clean-jokes,knock-knock-jokes
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Hey Hey
Hey Hey Who?
Hey Hey, what do you want to do today?Reactions: Labels:clean-jokes,knock-knock-jokes
Funny jokes-Running away with Neighbor
Daughter : I am in love with the neighbor, so I am running away with him.
Dad: Thanks , you have saved my money & time.
Daughter: Dad, I am reading the letter left by Mom.
nice joke
September 16, 2011 7:38 AM Posta CommentNewer PostOlder PostHomeRecent postsLoading...Friday, October 7, 2011
Rabbit Jokes
Amazing but true.
Q - What two animals eat their own poop?
A - Come-on nobody does that.
Q - Wrong. Rabbits and guinea pigs.
Here is the serious science behind it:
One line jokes-Slow down
Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.
Valentine's Jokes and Humor
Before we know it Valentine's Day will be here again on February 14. In honor of Valentine's day here are some Valentine jokes and other jokes about relationships, not just for Valentine's Day.
xoxoxoxoxo
xoxoxoxoxo
Really funny jokes-In case of emergency
A Spanish guy enters a hospital to have a minor operation.
A nurse begins to take down his information: name, insurance company, etc.
"In case of emergency, whom should we notify?"
"You mean if I become very sick?"
"Well . . . yes."
"If that happens, call a doctor!"
Thursday, October 6, 2011
More Rosie O'Donnell Jokes
Sheesh just when we thought we got rid of her, she's baaaaaaaaaack. We're all so surprised ... not. Well now after getting her sour PR stunts shoved back by Trump, now Rosie went looking for a softer target - Paula Abdul and American Idol. Now we're not great AI fans, but hey, Rosie gave us fodder for more bad Rosie jokes. More Rosie jokes in our earlier post.
Hey Paula Abdul, what do you think of Rosie's comments?
What did you say?
What did you think of Rosie's blast on you?
I was trying to be polite, she's irrelevant.
But Rosie doesn't like your American Idol show.
Nobody cares, her's is going down fast.
What did Donald Trump think?
She's looking for a softer target.
Is any one surprised Rosie is muck raking again?
Not really. She is promoting ABC to knock down their competition The Apprentice and American Idol.
Updated Now Rosie has a new target: Oprah. Yippeee.
So, Rosie reportedly has made degrading jokes on Paula Abdul, Donald Trump, Oprah, Chinese, American Idol. Who else does Rosie hate? .... YOU. Lol. Yippeeee.
Who does Rosie like? Dunno, maybe Barbara Walters, as long as she reads from the cue cards.Reactions: Labels:American-Idol-Jokes,Paula-Abdul-Jokes,political-jokes,Rosie-Jokes,Rosie-ODonnell-Jokes,Rosie-Paula-Abdul-Jokes,Trump-Rosie-Jokes
Hey Paula Abdul, what do you think of Rosie's comments?
What did you say?
What did you think of Rosie's blast on you?
I was trying to be polite, she's irrelevant.
But Rosie doesn't like your American Idol show.
Nobody cares, her's is going down fast.
What did Donald Trump think?
She's looking for a softer target.
Is any one surprised Rosie is muck raking again?
Not really. She is promoting ABC to knock down their competition The Apprentice and American Idol.
Updated Now Rosie has a new target: Oprah. Yippeee.
So, Rosie reportedly has made degrading jokes on Paula Abdul, Donald Trump, Oprah, Chinese, American Idol. Who else does Rosie hate? .... YOU. Lol. Yippeeee.
Who does Rosie like? Dunno, maybe Barbara Walters, as long as she reads from the cue cards.Reactions: Labels:American-Idol-Jokes,Paula-Abdul-Jokes,political-jokes,Rosie-Jokes,Rosie-ODonnell-Jokes,Rosie-Paula-Abdul-Jokes,Trump-Rosie-Jokes
Hilarious jokes-Two bankers
Two bankers are in a bank when armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the bankers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their jewelry, wallets and watches.
While this is going on banker number one puts something in banker number two's hand. Without looking down, banker number two whispers, 'What is this?' to which banker number one replies, 'It's that $50 I owe you.'
Retirement Jokes
Here the Senility Prayer: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference
Funny jokes-Blue elephants
Alonzo visits Doctor Pedro.
Alonzo: "Doctor, doctor, I see blue elephants everywhere."
Pedro: "Have you seen a psychologist yet?"
Alonzo: "No, just blue elephants."
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Funny Cat Videos
Funny Pet Videos: Cats
This is part of our series on funny videos. Here are some . We have searched for videos of bizarre cats in some funny situations and here are two of the best and cutest we found.
Funny Cats video:
Funny cat food ad video featuring a bungee jumping mouse:
Economy jokes-Harvest crunch
The Allied Irish Bank has issued a credit warning about Kellogg's, they are worried about the Harvest Crunch.
Labels:One line jokes,Short funny jokes,short humor jokes0 Comments: Posta CommentNewer PostOlder PostHomeRecent postsLoading...Funny Dog Videos
Funny Pet Videos: Dogs
What funny pet videos series would be complete without a few . Here are a few we found. We have searched for videos of cute or hilarious dogs in some funny situations and here are three of the best and we found. If you have a funny or cute dog video, you can leave it in the comments and we'll consider it for the next post.
Funny and cute dog compilation video:
Funny animated Dog and funny Hippo sing Lion Sleeps Tonight:
Funny Dog video of retriever eating a milk bone off nose:
Good jokes-In the ditch
98% of Americans say "OH S$!&" before going in the ditch on a slippery road.
The other 2% are from Buffalo or Rochester, NY and they say, "Hold my beer and WATCH THIS!"
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Bank Jokes
Why are banks like trees?
They have lots of branches.
$$$$$$$$$$
Dumb Bank, Smart Blond joke:
A blond walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan Officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to $350,000 Bentley. After verifying ownership of the car, the bank gives her the $5,000 loan.
The bankers enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $350,000 Bentley as collateral against a $5,000 loan, and one of the banker s then proceeds to drive the Bentley into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Three weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $19.50. The banker says,
We are very happy to have your business, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a billionaire. So why did you bother to lose your Bentley for three weeks and to borrow $5,000?
The blonde replies, Where else in New York City can I park my car for three weeks for only $19.50 and expect it to be there when I return?
$$$$$$$$$$
A frog walks into a bank for a loan, joke video:
$$$$$$$$$$
Mortgage banker joke video - Banker gets Punk'd
$$$$$$$$$$
Dutch version of the car parking bank loan joke:
More banking jokes and News and information behind the jokes at Humor-and-Jokes.com.
Office Jokes index at Humor-and-Jokes.com.
They have lots of branches.
$$$$$$$$$$
Dumb Bank, Smart Blond joke:
A blond walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan Officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to $350,000 Bentley. After verifying ownership of the car, the bank gives her the $5,000 loan.
The bankers enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $350,000 Bentley as collateral against a $5,000 loan, and one of the banker s then proceeds to drive the Bentley into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Three weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $19.50. The banker says,
We are very happy to have your business, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a billionaire. So why did you bother to lose your Bentley for three weeks and to borrow $5,000?
The blonde replies, Where else in New York City can I park my car for three weeks for only $19.50 and expect it to be there when I return?
$$$$$$$$$$
A frog walks into a bank for a loan, joke video:
$$$$$$$$$$
Mortgage banker joke video - Banker gets Punk'd
$$$$$$$$$$
Dutch version of the car parking bank loan joke:
More banking jokes and News and information behind the jokes at Humor-and-Jokes.com.
Office Jokes index at Humor-and-Jokes.com.
Really funny jokes-You Know You're from New Mexico When
You Know You're from New Mexico When
Your favorite breakfast meat is sliced fried bologna.
You are still using the paper license tag that came with your car five years ago.
Your favorite restaurant has a chili list instead of a wine list.
You do all your shopping and banking at a drive-up window.
Your Christmas decorations include a yard of sand and 200 paper bags.
You have license plates on your walls, but not on your car.
You hated Texans until the Californians moved in.
You have an extra freezer just for green chili.
You think a yellow light means to go faster and a red light is merely a suggestion.
You don't make eye contact with other drivers because you can't tell how well armed they are just by looking.
You think six tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful front lawn.
You pass on the right because that's the fast-lane.
You have read a book while driving from Albuquerque to Las Vegas.
There is a piece of a UFO displayed in your home.
All your out-of-state friends and relatives visit in October.
You don't see anything wrong with drive-up window liquor sales.
Your other vehicle is also a pick-up truck.
You have driven to an Indian Casino at 3 AM because you were hungry.
Tumbleweeds and various cactus in your yard are not weeds. They are your lawn.
If you travel anywhere, no matter if just to run to the gas station, you must bring along a bottle of water and some moisturizer.
Bunny Rabbit Videos
Funny Pet Videos: Bunny RabbitsFunny Bunny Videos / Funny Pet Rabbit Videos
Continuing with our series of funny pet videos, here are a few funny we found. Undoubtedly bunnies are full of cute, but mixing in some dry humor and you have ... well ... more cute. We have searched for videos of cute or hilarious rabbits in some funny situations and here are some of the best and funny we found. If you have a funny or cute bunny rabbit video, you can leave it in the comments and we'll consider it for the next funny pet videos post.
Q - What do you call 10 rabbits marching backwards?
A - A receding hareline.
Q - What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
A - It's been nice gnawing you.
Q - What party games do rabbits like?
A - Musical Hares.
A bunny letter opener. This rabbit is ready for an office job opening:
Here is a cute funny bunny cleaning house:
Cute reigns supreme as these three funny rabbits go after Honey Bunches of Oats hungry hippo style:
Oh, and of course here is a funny bunny, playmate not Pet, not rabbit, Julie McCullough and drooler ;) on a Star Media video interview. A comedy video made especially for a YouTube, and embedded here. It's all about following your dreams like the funny bunny not rabbit:
Short funny jokes-Baby girls and boys
Why do we dress baby girls in pink and baby boys in blue?
Because they can't dress themselves.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Funny Bunny
Funny Pets: Funny Bunnies Picture / Funny Rabbit Pet Pictures
I have no idea what you are talking about, ... so here's a bunny with a pancake on its head.
I have no idea what you are talking about, ... so here's a bunny with a pancake on its head.
Hilarious jokes-Parrot in plane
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!"
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot".
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"
Easter Jokes
In the spirit of the Easter holiday season, here are a few honoring the Easter bunny and Easter Eggs, and the holiday...
News and stories behind the humor in the page at Humor-and-Jokes.com
Q - How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
A - Hareobics!
Q - Why did the Easter bunny cross the road?
A - To prove she wasn't chicken!
Q - Why did the Easter bunny cross the road?
A - It was the chicken's day off.
Q - Why does the Easter bunny have a shiny nose?
A - His powder puff is on the wrong end.
Q - How can you find the Easter bunny?
A - Eggs (x) marks the spot.
Q - Why did the Easter egg hide behind the bush?
A - He was a little chicken.
Q - What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?
A - It's been nice gnawing you.
Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Some bunny.
Some bunny who?
Some bunny is eating my Easter candy!
Q - What did the man say when he saw 10 Easter bunnies hopping down a hill?
A - There go 10 Easter bunnies hopping down the hill...
Q - And, then what did the man say when he saw 10 Easter bunnies hopping down a hill wearing sunglasses?
A - Nothing...He didn't recognize them.
Q - How does the Easter bunny paint all the Easter eggs?
A - She hires santa's elves during off-season.
Chocolate Easter Bunnies:
News and stories behind the humor in the page at Humor-and-Jokes.com
Q - How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
A - Hareobics!
Q - Why did the Easter bunny cross the road?
A - To prove she wasn't chicken!
Q - Why did the Easter bunny cross the road?
A - It was the chicken's day off.
Q - Why does the Easter bunny have a shiny nose?
A - His powder puff is on the wrong end.
Q - How can you find the Easter bunny?
A - Eggs (x) marks the spot.
Q - Why did the Easter egg hide behind the bush?
A - He was a little chicken.
Q - What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?
A - It's been nice gnawing you.
Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Some bunny.
Some bunny who?
Some bunny is eating my Easter candy!
Q - What did the man say when he saw 10 Easter bunnies hopping down a hill?
A - There go 10 Easter bunnies hopping down the hill...
Q - And, then what did the man say when he saw 10 Easter bunnies hopping down a hill wearing sunglasses?
A - Nothing...He didn't recognize them.
Q - How does the Easter bunny paint all the Easter eggs?
A - She hires santa's elves during off-season.
Chocolate Easter Bunnies:
Sunday, October 2, 2011
One line jokes-Drink and drive
Why do you need a driver's licence to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Labels:One line jokes,Short funny jokes,SMS jokes0 Comments: Posta CommentNewer PostOlder PostHomeRecent postsLoading...Basketball Jokes
Q: Why are basketball players messy eaters?
A: They're always dribbling.
Q: What's the difference between a basketball player and a dog?
A: One drools, the other dribbles.
Q: What did Bobby Knight say about coaching the 1980 U.S. Olympics basketball team against the team from China?
A: "It was a lot of fun playing the Chinese, but an hour later, we wanted to play them again."
Q: Why was Cinderella thrown off the team?
A: She ran away from the ball.
Q: What do you do when you see an elephant with a basketball?
A: You get out of the way fast.
Q: Why did the coach let the elephant play basketball?
A: He already broke the bench.
Q. Why did Ron Artest leave the game early?
A. He wanted to beat the crowd.
Q: How did the basketball court get wet?
A: The players dribbled all over it.
We're shooting 100 percent - 60 percent from the field and 40 percent from the free-throw line.
Q: If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does an astronaut get?
A: Missile toe!
Q: Why can't you play sports in the jungle?
A: Because of the cheetahs.
There was a Knicks fan with nosebleed seat in Madison Square Garden. Looking around, he spotted an empty seat court side. So, he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it,
"Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big basketball fan."
"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
"They're all at the funeral."
A: They're always dribbling.
Q: What's the difference between a basketball player and a dog?
A: One drools, the other dribbles.
Q: What did Bobby Knight say about coaching the 1980 U.S. Olympics basketball team against the team from China?
A: "It was a lot of fun playing the Chinese, but an hour later, we wanted to play them again."
Q: Why was Cinderella thrown off the team?
A: She ran away from the ball.
Q: What do you do when you see an elephant with a basketball?
A: You get out of the way fast.
Q: Why did the coach let the elephant play basketball?
A: He already broke the bench.
Q. Why did Ron Artest leave the game early?
A. He wanted to beat the crowd.
Q: How did the basketball court get wet?
A: The players dribbled all over it.
We're shooting 100 percent - 60 percent from the field and 40 percent from the free-throw line.
Q: If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does an astronaut get?
A: Missile toe!
Q: Why can't you play sports in the jungle?
A: Because of the cheetahs.
There was a Knicks fan with nosebleed seat in Madison Square Garden. Looking around, he spotted an empty seat court side. So, he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it,
"Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big basketball fan."
"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
"They're all at the funeral."
Funny jokes-School lunch
School lunches are not generally popular with those that have to eat them, and sometimes with good reason.
"What kind of pie do you call this ?" asked one schoolboy indignantly.
"What's it taste of ?" asked the cook.
"Glue!" "Then it's apple pie, the plum pie tastes of soap."
Real Estate Jokes
Q: What is a maintenance-free house....
A: There hasn't been any maintenance in the last 10 years.
The home buyer thinking of the real estate agent: I didn't think anybody could have that many teeth without being a shark.
Q: When is a one-story house a two-story house?
A: You get one story before you buy and the second story after.
This house is 5 minutes from shopping ... if you have an airplane.
News and stories behind the humor in the page at Humor-and-Jokes.com
The home buyer told the real estate agent that he lived in the same big house for the last 10 years. When the real estate agent checked his credit, she found out he still would be there today without the pardon from the Governor.
Q: How close was the house for sale to water?
A: In the basement.
By the time you pay off a house in the suburbs, it isn't.
Q: What is a house-warming party?
A: The final call for those who haven't sent a wedding present.
Your home feels like a castle... when you pay the taxes.
Q: How long is a temporary mortgage?
A: Until the bank forecloses.
Charity is a thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
Here is an odd Real Estate listing: This house has a great location, but just one problem... The oven is self-cleaning, but the kids weren't.
Q: Why do you want front door leading right into the dining room instead of the foyer?
A: So my in-laws won't have to waste any time.
Realtor to First Time Homebuyer: First let's have a frank discussion about what you can afford ... then we'll all laugh hysterically and go on from there.
If you think no one cares you're alive, miss a couple of house payments.
A large real estate lender called FIRST National Bank took out a billboard, giving the wrong message, "Loans make life easier, at FIRST."
What destroys people and leaves buildings intact, that isn't a neutron bomb. It's called a mortgage.
Q: Why was the 10,000 sq. ft. mansion listed for only $1000? It had a swimming pool, guest house and no discernible structural problems.
A: The seller was getting divorced and all her husband asked for was the proceeds from the sale.
Q: How do you become a homeowner?
A: Take out a first and second mortgage.
A: There hasn't been any maintenance in the last 10 years.
The home buyer thinking of the real estate agent: I didn't think anybody could have that many teeth without being a shark.
Q: When is a one-story house a two-story house?
A: You get one story before you buy and the second story after.
This house is 5 minutes from shopping ... if you have an airplane.
News and stories behind the humor in the page at Humor-and-Jokes.com
The home buyer told the real estate agent that he lived in the same big house for the last 10 years. When the real estate agent checked his credit, she found out he still would be there today without the pardon from the Governor.
Q: How close was the house for sale to water?
A: In the basement.
By the time you pay off a house in the suburbs, it isn't.
Q: What is a house-warming party?
A: The final call for those who haven't sent a wedding present.
Your home feels like a castle... when you pay the taxes.
Q: How long is a temporary mortgage?
A: Until the bank forecloses.
Charity is a thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
Here is an odd Real Estate listing: This house has a great location, but just one problem... The oven is self-cleaning, but the kids weren't.
Q: Why do you want front door leading right into the dining room instead of the foyer?
A: So my in-laws won't have to waste any time.
Realtor to First Time Homebuyer: First let's have a frank discussion about what you can afford ... then we'll all laugh hysterically and go on from there.
If you think no one cares you're alive, miss a couple of house payments.
A large real estate lender called FIRST National Bank took out a billboard, giving the wrong message, "Loans make life easier, at FIRST."
What destroys people and leaves buildings intact, that isn't a neutron bomb. It's called a mortgage.
Q: Why was the 10,000 sq. ft. mansion listed for only $1000? It had a swimming pool, guest house and no discernible structural problems.
A: The seller was getting divorced and all her husband asked for was the proceeds from the sale.
Q: How do you become a homeowner?
A: Take out a first and second mortgage.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Good jokes-Pharaohs
What did the Pharaohs use to keep their babies quiet?
Egyptian dummies.
Golf Jokes
Q: Why did the golfer wear 2 pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
The problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
Q: How is golf like taxes?
A: You drive hard to get to the green, and then you wind up in the hole.
$$$
Three seniors were out golfing. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one said.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them" said the second senior.
After hearing enough from his buddies, the third senior said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"
$$$
Carl goes out golfing with his boss Lyle to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellently and at a fast pace, they are often held up by two women in front of them chatting and searching for hook shots execissively. Joe goes to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. But once he gets about half the way to them, he stops and hurries back to where his boss Lyle is waiting.
Lyle asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," said Carl. Lyle just shook his head and with his impatience growing started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.
Carl asked "what's wrong?" Lyle replied, "It's a small, small world Carl, and you're fired."
A: In case he got a hole in one.
The problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
Q: How is golf like taxes?
A: You drive hard to get to the green, and then you wind up in the hole.
$$$
Three seniors were out golfing. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one said.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them" said the second senior.
After hearing enough from his buddies, the third senior said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"
$$$
Carl goes out golfing with his boss Lyle to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellently and at a fast pace, they are often held up by two women in front of them chatting and searching for hook shots execissively. Joe goes to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. But once he gets about half the way to them, he stops and hurries back to where his boss Lyle is waiting.
Lyle asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," said Carl. Lyle just shook his head and with his impatience growing started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.
Carl asked "what's wrong?" Lyle replied, "It's a small, small world Carl, and you're fired."
Really funny jokes-Blonde stewardess
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Birthday Jokes
On your birthday every year, you get one year older. For some they stop at 29, others at 21. Here are some and humor to lighten up the special day.
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
Their birthdays all fall on holidays.
Q - What type of cake is used for birthday cake in heaven?
A - Angel food cake.
Q - Did you hear about the maple tree's birthday?
A - It was a sappy one!
News and stories behind the humor in the page at Humor-and-Jokes.com
You know you're growing old when by the time you've lit the last candle on the birthday cake, the first one has burned out.
Q - When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
A - They both get sliced.
Q - What do you give a nine-hundred-pound gorilla for her birthday?
A - I don't know, but you better hope she likes it!
You know that you are getting old when you remember when the fire department comes to your birthday party in case the candles on the birthday cake get out of hand.
When I was a child my family were so poor that the only thing I got on my birthday was a year older.
Q - What did the birthday balloon say to the pin?
A - "Hi, Buster."
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing.
I told my computer that today is my birthday,
and it said that I needed an upgrade.
Q - Why do you put the candles on top the birthday cake?
A - It's too hard to put the candles on the bottom.
Q - What birthday party games do rabbits like to play?
A - Musical Hares.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Here is a cute and funny humor birthday video from Grey Advertising via YouTube:
Mark Twain on his 70th birthday:
It's a long stretch between that first birthday speech and this one. That was my cradle-song, and this is my swan-song, I suppose. I am used to swan-songs; I have sung them several times.
Remember, growing old is inevitable, but growing up is optional!
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
Their birthdays all fall on holidays.
Q - What type of cake is used for birthday cake in heaven?
A - Angel food cake.
Q - Did you hear about the maple tree's birthday?
A - It was a sappy one!
News and stories behind the humor in the page at Humor-and-Jokes.com
You know you're growing old when by the time you've lit the last candle on the birthday cake, the first one has burned out.
Q - When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
A - They both get sliced.
Q - What do you give a nine-hundred-pound gorilla for her birthday?
A - I don't know, but you better hope she likes it!
You know that you are getting old when you remember when the fire department comes to your birthday party in case the candles on the birthday cake get out of hand.
When I was a child my family were so poor that the only thing I got on my birthday was a year older.
Q - What did the birthday balloon say to the pin?
A - "Hi, Buster."
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing.
I told my computer that today is my birthday,
and it said that I needed an upgrade.
Q - Why do you put the candles on top the birthday cake?
A - It's too hard to put the candles on the bottom.
Q - What birthday party games do rabbits like to play?
A - Musical Hares.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Here is a cute and funny humor birthday video from Grey Advertising via YouTube:
Mark Twain on his 70th birthday:
It's a long stretch between that first birthday speech and this one. That was my cradle-song, and this is my swan-song, I suppose. I am used to swan-songs; I have sung them several times.
Remember, growing old is inevitable, but growing up is optional!
Friday, September 30, 2011
Accountant jokes
What's an actuary?
An accountant without the sense of humor.
Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
They find bookkeeping too exciting.
What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
Invite an accountant.
More Retirement Jokes
Continuing with our Retirement Jokes and humor series, here are a few or senior jokes. Click on the "labels" links at the end to find ...
It's not the age but the mileAGE that counts.
You know that you are getting old when you remember when you had to get up to change the channel on the black and white TV.
You know that you are getting old when you remember Coke came in a glass bottle.
You know that you are getting old when you remember when you wore your good clothes to travel by air.
You know that you are getting old when you remember when most of your sentences begin with, "When I was your age..."
You know that you are getting old when you often repeat things...You often repeat things... You often repeat things...
You know that you are getting old when you remember when getting a new bicycle meant you were rich.
It's not the age but the mileAGE that counts.
You know that you are getting old when you remember when you had to get up to change the channel on the black and white TV.
You know that you are getting old when you remember Coke came in a glass bottle.
You know that you are getting old when you remember when you wore your good clothes to travel by air.
You know that you are getting old when you remember when most of your sentences begin with, "When I was your age..."
You know that you are getting old when you often repeat things...You often repeat things... You often repeat things...
You know that you are getting old when you remember when getting a new bicycle meant you were rich.
Funny jokes-All you can pick
A Pittsburgh steel worker was driving through northern California's apple country. He stopped at an orchard and asked the owner, "How much are yer apples?"
"All you can pick for one dollar," said the rancher.
"Okay," said the Pennsylvanian. "I'll take two dollars' worth."
Doctor Jokes
Here are some and humor to lighten up the next visit to the Doctor's office or the hospital. Some dentist jokes, pharmacist jokes and psychology / psychiatrist jokes too. First some short , followed by a few longer ones.
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a turnip in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
From the pharmacist: Take one of these pills every four hours. Or as often as you can get the cap off.
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $500.00.
Patient: $500.00 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like. What do you call a depressed dentist?
A little down in the mouth.
Doctor calls her patient: I have some bad news and some very very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have no more than 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible!! What could be worse than that? So, what's the very bad news?
Doctor: I have been trying to reach you since yesterday.
An oldie:
Doctor will I be able to play the violin after the operation?
Yes, of course...
Great ... I never could before...
Jake was going in for eye surgery and says to the opthamalogist, I’m very worried about the this operation, doc. What are the chances? The eye-doctor replies, Don’t worry, you won’t be able to see the difference.
Doctor: "I've got very bad news for you - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"
After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asks, "are these time release pills?" The pharmacist replies, "Yes. They begin to work after your check clears."
Doctor, you've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!
Two psychiatrists pass in the hall. The first psychiatrist says, "How you doing?" The other thinks, "I wonder what he really meant by that."
Patient: Doctor, I think I just swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.
Carlson: My wife beats me, doctor
Doctor: That's awful. How often?
Carlson: Every time we play golf!
Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you?
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a turnip in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
From the pharmacist: Take one of these pills every four hours. Or as often as you can get the cap off.
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $500.00.
Patient: $500.00 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like. What do you call a depressed dentist?
A little down in the mouth.
Doctor calls her patient: I have some bad news and some very very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have no more than 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible!! What could be worse than that? So, what's the very bad news?
Doctor: I have been trying to reach you since yesterday.
An oldie:
Doctor will I be able to play the violin after the operation?
Yes, of course...
Great ... I never could before...
Jake was going in for eye surgery and says to the opthamalogist, I’m very worried about the this operation, doc. What are the chances? The eye-doctor replies, Don’t worry, you won’t be able to see the difference.
Doctor: "I've got very bad news for you - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"
After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asks, "are these time release pills?" The pharmacist replies, "Yes. They begin to work after your check clears."
Doctor, you've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!
Two psychiatrists pass in the hall. The first psychiatrist says, "How you doing?" The other thinks, "I wonder what he really meant by that."
Patient: Doctor, I think I just swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.
Carlson: My wife beats me, doctor
Doctor: That's awful. How often?
Carlson: Every time we play golf!
Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you?
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Really funny jokes-Meteor Crater
As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."
From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"
Banana Jokes
After hearing a banana joke last week, I decided to post a few ...
Q: Why was Anna not allowed to visit the King in his jungle kingdom?
A: He had his guards ban-anna from the castle.
Q: Why did the banana go to the doctor's office?
A: She wasn't peeling well.
Knock knock
Who's There?
Banana
Banana Who?
When you are in a restaurant, always be polite, even if a banana is sitting next to you.
Q: Why was Anna not allowed to visit the King in his jungle kingdom?
A: He had his guards ban-anna from the castle.
Q: Why did the banana go to the doctor's office?
A: She wasn't peeling well.
Knock knock
Who's There?
Banana
Banana Who?
When you are in a restaurant, always be polite, even if a banana is sitting next to you.
Accountant jokes-Shy and retiring
What's a shy and retiring accountant?
An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.
R
Halloween Jokes
! - The ghost, the witch and the watchmaker.
What's scary about a watchmaker? Nothing ... dah dumm ... dumm ... dumm
The air is getting chillier, the pumpkins are appearing, Halloween ghosts and goblins are coming out from hiding in the garage … and I’m collecting from the short jokes to the stupid jokes to the great . In honor of the boooooooootiful season, here are some and Halloween humor, and if you have a joke to add, send it to me or put it in the comments and I’ll add it to the list!
Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A: Bamboo.
Q: How do you mend a broken Halloween Jack-o-lantern?
A: With a pumpkin patch.
What's scary about a watchmaker? Nothing ... dah dumm ... dumm ... dumm
The air is getting chillier, the pumpkins are appearing, Halloween ghosts and goblins are coming out from hiding in the garage … and I’m collecting from the short jokes to the stupid jokes to the great . In honor of the boooooooootiful season, here are some and Halloween humor, and if you have a joke to add, send it to me or put it in the comments and I’ll add it to the list!
Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A: Bamboo.
Q: How do you mend a broken Halloween Jack-o-lantern?
A: With a pumpkin patch.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Funny jokes-Unbelievable
The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once a woman began screaming. "You've got to help me! There's a giant gray thing in my yard, and it's pulling apples off the tree with its tail!"
"What's he doing with the apples?" the sergeant asked. "If I told you," the woman cried, "you wouldn't believe me!"
Hillary Clinton Jokes
Hillary Jokes
- Read from Right to Left
not
- Read from Right to Left
not
Following on the equal humor tradition of the Just Jokes and Humor blog we’ve had Obama Jokes, and now for some Hillary Jokes … that’s for the uninitiated! The first question is obvious … Hillary Jokes? What in the world are Hillary jokes? After all, Hillary Clinton is said to have had her funny bone removed. Ta dum. Not exactly a political jokes or political humor magnate. Uh oh, she’s taking names now!
Short funny jokes-Change the baby
Mother: Why is there a strange baby in the crib?
Daughter: You told me to change the baby.
Obama Jokes
Q: What is greatest irony of Election 2008?
A: Find out below ...
At the Just Jokes and Humor blog we subscribe to equal humor for political jokes. We've had Republican jokes ... now for some Democrat jokes. Don't worry, the political humor pendulum will swing back Republican for sure, and Democrat too.
Bust a move
Ok, laying aside politics ... we love Barack Obama, the Senator from Illinois, and President-elect of the United States. Such a nice ... uh fill in a random sophomoric awkward comment (err joke?) from Senator Joseph Biden here. Yes, that Senator Joseph Biden - called by some the gift that keeps on giving and the originator of the classic Obama joke, now is the Vice-President, making Barack's selection of him the greatest irony of election '08.
A: Find out below ...
At the Just Jokes and Humor blog we subscribe to equal humor for political jokes. We've had Republican jokes ... now for some Democrat jokes. Don't worry, the political humor pendulum will swing back Republican for sure, and Democrat too.
Bust a move
Ok, laying aside politics ... we love Barack Obama, the Senator from Illinois, and President-elect of the United States. Such a nice ... uh fill in a random sophomoric awkward comment (err joke?) from Senator Joseph Biden here. Yes, that Senator Joseph Biden - called by some the gift that keeps on giving and the originator of the classic Obama joke, now is the Vice-President, making Barack's selection of him the greatest irony of election '08.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Hilarious jokes-Three hundred years old
There is a guy who arrives to a town in western Spain, he seems like a charlatan and begins to advertise a potion, which supposedly keeps him young despite the fact that he is three hundred years old.
A farmer, having doubts, approaches one of his assistants.
"Hey, is it really true that this guy has lived three hundred years?"
"I don't know, I have only worked with him for two hundred."
Thanksgiving Jokes
Turkeys Allowed!
Turkey warning ... Turkey jokes ahead in the annual of the Just Jokes and Humor blog. We love Thanksgiving ... good food, turkey, stuffing and now a little spice to liven up the feast. If you have anymore or turkey jokes to add, send them to us or add to the comments.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.
The Thanksgiving turkey went to the psychiatrist, and said, Doc I need help, I can't stop acting like a turkey...
"I see," said the shrink. "How long have you had this problem?"
"Uh since my mommy laid an egg in 2007!"
Christmas Jokes
Snow is falling (rain in California!), children are playing, bells are ringing ... and I'm collecting entertaining and Hanukkah Jokes from stupid to great, so if you have one to add send it to me, or put it in the comments and I'll add it to the list!
Without further discussion let's start with the ...'Tis the season...
Q-How long should a reindeer's legs be?
A-Just long enough to reach the ground.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Santa it's cold.
Santa it's cold who?
Santa said it's cold, can we take the sleigh out tomorrow instead?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Santa it's freezing.
Santa it's freezing who?
Santa, Rudolph wanated to tes tthe flagpole and it's freezing.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Mary.
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
What happens if you eat x-mas decorations?
You get tinsel-itis!
Did you hear about Hanibal Lechter's Christmas party?
It's a scream!
Keep that reindeer out of the house, it's full of fleas...
He Rudolph?
What?
You better stay out of the house .......... it's full of fleas.
And not a joke but from a friend, a holiday boutique at Christmas Ornaments .coReactions: Labels:Christmas-Humor,Christmas-jokes,clean-christmas-jokes,clean-jokes,holiday-jokes,knock-knock-jokes,Reindeer-Jokes,Rudolph,Santa-Jokes
Without further discussion let's start with the ...'Tis the season...
Q-How long should a reindeer's legs be?
A-Just long enough to reach the ground.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Santa it's cold.
Santa it's cold who?
Santa said it's cold, can we take the sleigh out tomorrow instead?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Santa it's freezing.
Santa it's freezing who?
Santa, Rudolph wanated to tes tthe flagpole and it's freezing.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Mary.
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
What happens if you eat x-mas decorations?
You get tinsel-itis!
Did you hear about Hanibal Lechter's Christmas party?
It's a scream!
Keep that reindeer out of the house, it's full of fleas...
He Rudolph?
What?
You better stay out of the house .......... it's full of fleas.
And not a joke but from a friend, a holiday boutique at Christmas Ornaments .coReactions: Labels:Christmas-Humor,Christmas-jokes,clean-christmas-jokes,clean-jokes,holiday-jokes,knock-knock-jokes,Reindeer-Jokes,Rudolph,Santa-Jokes
Monday, September 26, 2011
Y2k Jokes
Turn the clock back and let's party like it's 1999. An old Y2K Joke:
Dear Boss: Mi hope I haven’t misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, that Y to K dates problem doesn't make any sense at all to me.
Well by now I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.
In addition to that, I've changed the days of the week, so now they are ready for the year 2000 and will be: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.
Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?Reactions: Labels:Computer Jokes
Dear Boss: Mi hope I haven’t misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, that Y to K dates problem doesn't make any sense at all to me.
Well by now I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.
In addition to that, I've changed the days of the week, so now they are ready for the year 2000 and will be: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.
Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?Reactions: Labels:Computer Jokes
Halloween Jokes II
Halloween Jokes II
Thinking of the season, here's some more Halloween Jokes. Before we know it, Halloween will be around the corner, it is time for the annual Just Jokes and Humor Blog Halloween Jokes and humor update. You can find more Halloween Jokes by following the link. Here are some pumpkin jokes, ghost jokes, ghoul jokes, witch jokes, skeleton jokes and Dracula jokes to lighten up the season...
What do birds sing on Halloween?
Twick or Tweet.
Why were there no leftovers after the monster party?
Because everyone was goblin!
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centers.
What is the first thing ghosts do when they get in the car?
Boo-kle their sheet belts.
What did the ghost buy for his haunted house?
Home moaner's insurance.
What was the favorite game at the ghost's birthday party?
Hide and shriek!
What do ghosts serve for desert?
Ice Scream
What was the witch's favorite subject in school?
Spell-ing.
Why do witches fly on brooms?
Vacuum cleaner cords are not long enough.
How does a witch tell the time?
She looks at her witch watch.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts.
Why don't skeletons like parties?
They have no body to dance with.
What do skeletons say before they begin eating?
Bone appetite!
What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
Count Duckula
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
Why do mummies make good workers?
They get wrapped up in their work.
What do you call a skeleton who will not do any work?
Lazy bones.Reactions: Labels:Halloween-Jokes,Witch-Jokes
What do birds sing on Halloween?
Twick or Tweet.
Why were there no leftovers after the monster party?
Because everyone was goblin!
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centers.
What is the first thing ghosts do when they get in the car?
Boo-kle their sheet belts.
What did the ghost buy for his haunted house?
Home moaner's insurance.
What was the favorite game at the ghost's birthday party?
Hide and shriek!
What do ghosts serve for desert?
Ice Scream
What was the witch's favorite subject in school?
Spell-ing.
Why do witches fly on brooms?
Vacuum cleaner cords are not long enough.
How does a witch tell the time?
She looks at her witch watch.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts.
Why don't skeletons like parties?
They have no body to dance with.
What do skeletons say before they begin eating?
Bone appetite!
What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
Count Duckula
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
Why do mummies make good workers?
They get wrapped up in their work.
What do you call a skeleton who will not do any work?
Lazy bones.Reactions: Labels:Halloween-Jokes,Witch-Jokes
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Really funny jokes-I am rich
O.M.G., I'm rich!
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Crystals in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood
Lead in the Arse
Iron in the Arteries
And
An inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.
I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth, now I can buy that gold-plated yacht and the Bentley.
Obama jokes-Vice President
Q: Why should Obama have chosen Evan Bayh for Vice President?
A: The name Birch Evans Bayh III makes Barack Hussein Obama sound almost normal.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Funny jokes-Smash ten bottles
A Swede was in a pub in Finland and a regular customer suggested to him:
"I'll give you $200, if you let me smash ten beer bottles on your head."
The Swede thought for a while and finally agreed, partly because of the peer pressure.
The Finn smashed the first bottle on the Swede's head, then the second and so on, but he stopped after smashing nine bottles.
"So, when are you going to smash the tenth bottle?," asked the Swede.
"I am not a total idiot," the Finn replied, "then I would have to give you that $200."
Really funny jokes-Racehorse doping
Racehorse doping is not unknown in Ireland.
One day, the Clerk of the Course spotted a trainer giving something to a horse just before the start of a race.
He went over and said, "Doping?"
The trainer said, "Indeed not, Sor.
'Tis just lump sugar. Look, I'll take a bit meself.. see?"
The Clerk of the Course said,
"Sorry, but we have to be careful. As a matter of fact, I like a bit of sugar meself."
So the trainer gave him a piece.
When the Clerk of the Course disappeared, the trainer gave his jockey his last minute instructions,
"Don't forget the drill.
Hold him in 'til the last four furlongs.
Don't worry if anything passes ye, it'll be me or the Clerk of the Course!"
Friday, September 23, 2011
Hilarious jokes-American Tourists
How Many American Tourists Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?
Fifteen.
Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.
One line jokes-Extraordinarily patient
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Really funny jokes-Thousands at home
A Cuban, a Scot, a Spaniard, and an Irishman are sharing a carriage on a train to Belfast.
The Cuban lights up this enormous Cuban cigar, takes one short drag from it and flings the cigar out the window.
The other three look at him in amazement and ask why he just threw out a full Cuban cigar.
He says, "I'm from Cuba, we have thousands of those things back home."
The Scot pulls out a litre bottle of Bells Whiskey, a 50 year-old bottle, takes a short measure glass, half fills it, knocks it back and flings the remainder of the bottle out the window.
The other three are in shock, ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of fine malt Scottish whiskey??!!
He replies, "I'm Scottish, we have thousands of those things at home."
The Spaniard pulls out a flagon of red wine, a 100 year-old classic. He takes a couple of sips, licks his lips, and flings the remainder of the wine out the window.
The other three ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of classic wine, he replies, "I'm Spanish, I have thousands of those things back home."
The Irish then grabs the Spaniard and throws him out of the window.
Funny American jokes-Things You Learn in Texas
Things You Learn in Texas
Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Texas.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas plus a couple that have not been identified yet.
Onced and Twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
People actually grow and eat okra.
"Fixinto" is one word.
There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper.
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!
DJeet? means "Did you eat?"
You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
You measure distance in minutes.
You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
The first day of deer season is a national holiday.
100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm." We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.
A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.
We don't need no stinking driver's Ed . . . If our mama says we can drive, we can drive.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Celebrity jokes-50 cent's Car
Q: Did you hear about that car 50 Cent sent to his mechanic?
A: The engine was shot...just like everything else.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Really funny jokes-Buffalo come
A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"
And the Indian replies, "Ear sticky".
Hilarious jokes-Paralyze
Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
A: He married her.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Economy jokes-DOW average
Q: What will happen if the DOW average falls any further?
A: They'll add a N to the end of it!
Birthday party jokes-Games Rabbits play
What birthday party games do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Really funny jokes-You know you are living in 2011
You know you are living in 2011 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the shopping.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go home and get it !!
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your tea or coffee
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message to.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list !!
Blonde jokes-Ice hockey team
Q: What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
A: They drowned in Spring training.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
One line jokes-Overdressed
People who are wrapped up in themselves are overdressed.
Labels:One line jokes,Short funny jokes,SMS jokes0 Comments: Posta CommentNewer PostOlder PostHomeRecent postsLoading...Really funny jokes-American soldier
A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit.
As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats.
A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog.
The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.
"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog?
Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"
The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "Oh! You Americans. You are so rude. Fluffy is in that seat, and I see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."
The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out.
The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.
"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... You eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong b
Friday, September 16, 2011
Good jokes-New Swedish Navy
Why does the NEW Swedish navy have glass-bottom boats?
To see the OLD Swedish navy.
Funny jokes-Inconsiderate husband
Question. What is the definition of an inconsiderate husband?
Answer. One who wins a trip to Paris and goes by himself, twice.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Really funny jokes-Degree of Urgency
Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manyana'.
Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.
He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?"
The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish.
"No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency," replied Brennan.
Birthday jokes-Balloon
What did the birthday balloon state to the pin?
“Hi, Buster.”
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Funny jokes-Sign here
Louise went into her bank to cash a cheque. She looked so hesitant that the cashier went to help her. 'Please sign the back of the cheque, 'the teller told her, 'as you'd sign a letter.
'Louise looked extremely grateful, scribbled on the cheque and passed it back to the cashier.
Signed on the back was: 'Yours affectionately, Louise.'
One line jokes-Crowded Elevator
Confucius says-
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Funny American jokes
Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet.
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Computer Jokes
Funny Clean Computer Jokes
Exercise Joke
For those keyboard jockeys (those with jobs that require sitting at a computer all day) who don't want to spend the money for those fancy exercise machines, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week is best.Begin by standing (in your cubicle works well) with a five pound potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
After a few weeks, move up to ten pound potato sacks and then fifty pound potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a one hundred pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Next, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks.
Norvegian Virus Joke
Received in a recent email:
VARNING: MinnySoda Compewtr VirusVe haf just sent you da NORVEGIAN VIRUS. Since ve do not haf any programming experience and do not know how to actually demage your computir, dis Virus verks on da honor system. Please forward dis Virus to eferyvone on your mailing list and den manually delete all of da files on your hard drive.
Tank you for your cooperation,
Sven and Ole
Answer This
Those Questions No One Can Answer
Why does rain drop for snow fall?
What disease did cured ham have?
What's the difference between unique and very unique?We put in our two cents, but only get a penny for our thoughts. Who gets the extra penny?
When do you become important enough to be considered assassinated and not just murdered?
Can you cry under water?
Who decided that a round pizza should be put in a square box?
When you get to heaven, are you stuck for eternity wearing the same clothes you were buried in?
Why did we put a man on the moon before we realized it would be a good idea to make luggage with wheels?
Why are actors IN movies but ON television?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast?
Why does grass grow where you do not want it and not grow where you do?
Why do we say we slept like a baby when they wake up every two hours?
Why do we pay to get to the top of tall buildings, then pay to use binoculars to look at things on the ground?
If a deaf person goes to court, do they call it a hearing?
What is a Japanese maple tree called in Japan? (Ans: Baby's Palm)
We say, "It's Greek to me." What do the Greeks say? (Ans: It's Chinese to me.)
If we don't care that Jimmy cracked corn, why do we still sing about it?
Why does Goofy stand upright and Pluto stand on all four feet? They're both dogs.
Do "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" and "The Alphabet Song" have the same tune?
On Gilligan's Island, the professor could make a radio out of a coconut. Why couldn't he fix the hole in the boat?
If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to buy all that stuff from ACME, why doesn't he just buy himself dinner?
Can you drive in the car pool lane if you're driving a hearse with a corpse in it?
Why does a dog get mad at you if you blow in his face, but then stick his head out the window when you take him for a car ride?
Monday, September 12, 2011
Out of The Mouth of Babes : part 3
Some Really Smart Students
Teacher: Name two states in the United States.
Mary: Pick me! Pick me!
Teacher: Mary?
Mary: I'll name one Taylor and the other one Charley!
Teacher: Joe, why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?
Joe: Because you told me to do it without using tables.
Teacher: Suzi, go to the map and find North America.
Suzi: Here it is.
Teacher: That's correct. Now, Bobby, who discovered North America?
Bobby: Suzi
Teacher: Jesse, why do you always get so dirty.
Jesse: Well, you see, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
Teacher: Glen, what is the chemical formula for water?
Glen: H I J K L M N O
Teacher: Where did you get that?
Glen: Yesterday you told us it was H to O.
Teacher: Barry, your essay about your dog is exactly the same as your brothers. Did you copy his?
Barry: Ma'am. It's the same dog.
Teacher: Donald, how do you spell crocodile?
Donald: K R O K O D I A L
Teacher: No, that's wrong.
Donald: Maybe it is, but you asked me how I spell it.
Teacher: Name one important thing that we have today which we didn't have ten years ago.
Wendy: Me!
Teacher: George Washington chopped down the cherry tree, but then admitted it. Does anyone know why his father didn't punish him?
Brian: Because he still had the axe in his hand.
Teacher: Danny, do you say a prayer before eating?
Danny: No, ma'am. I don't have to. My mother is a good cook.
Teacher: Jake, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Jake: A teacher.
Teacher: Name two states in the United States.
Mary: Pick me! Pick me!
Teacher: Mary?
Mary: I'll name one Taylor and the other one Charley!
Teacher: Joe, why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?
Joe: Because you told me to do it without using tables.
Teacher: Suzi, go to the map and find North America.
Suzi: Here it is.
Teacher: That's correct. Now, Bobby, who discovered North America?
Bobby: Suzi
Teacher: Jesse, why do you always get so dirty.
Jesse: Well, you see, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
Teacher: Glen, what is the chemical formula for water?
Glen: H I J K L M N O
Teacher: Where did you get that?
Glen: Yesterday you told us it was H to O.
Teacher: Barry, your essay about your dog is exactly the same as your brothers. Did you copy his?
Barry: Ma'am. It's the same dog.
Teacher: Donald, how do you spell crocodile?
Donald: K R O K O D I A L
Teacher: No, that's wrong.
Donald: Maybe it is, but you asked me how I spell it.
Teacher: Name one important thing that we have today which we didn't have ten years ago.
Wendy: Me!
Teacher: George Washington chopped down the cherry tree, but then admitted it. Does anyone know why his father didn't punish him?
Brian: Because he still had the axe in his hand.
Teacher: Danny, do you say a prayer before eating?
Danny: No, ma'am. I don't have to. My mother is a good cook.
Teacher: Jake, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Jake: A teacher.
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